New Dr Pepper: Ten Bold Calories of Penis Flavor

Hamilton Nolan · 02/21/11 12:50PM

Are you a 25-to-34-year-old male who prefers regular Dr Pepper, but wants fewer calories—and also knows that Diet Dr. Pepper is for queers? Allow us to introduce you to Dr Pepper Ten: ten masculine calories, made outta balls.

Aging Rock Star Fights Soda Company

Hamilton Nolan · 12/02/08 11:43AM

In what is sure to be the most consequential piece of legal maneuvering since 50 Cent sued Taco Bell last week, idiot Guns n' Roses frontman Axl Rose had his attorney fire off a scathing letter to the Dr. Pepper corporation regarding the company's recent GnR-related marketing mishaps. It promises to be quite a dustup—rock and roll style!!1! Take, heed, soft drink companies: here's what happens when you try to give out a free soda to everyone in America:

Jocks Cede Role Model Status To Nerds

Hamilton Nolan · 11/19/08 09:53AM

Remember in the olden days when pro athletes and Olympians would grace our soft drink ads, urging us to guzzle the nutritionally barren sugar water in order to be a champion like them, cognitive dissonance be damned? Yea, if you listen to athletes now, you are old and laughable. The new (and far more appropriate!) face of Dr. Pepper is a 21-year-old kid who makes a quarter of a million bucks playing video games. Why I never! Lazy kids nowadays! There is simply no way not to sound like some parody of Dave Barry making "these kids!" jokes while writing about this development. But what you need to know is that if you have skills with a Wii controller, you better watch out for the geek paparazzi: