Hamilton Nolan · 08/05/15 01:55PM

This week, Dunkin’ Donuts opened its very first store in Iceland. “‘I love the variety they offer,’ said Steinar Gunnarsson, a student, who visited the restaurant soon after it opened. ‘They offer more than just a couple of brands of donuts usually found in Icelandic bakeries.’” Pathetic.

Dizzy Dog Doesn't Know How to Drive Dinghy, Does Donuts Instead

Andy Cush · 05/07/15 01:20PM

As you watch this poor pup go around and around in his dinghy, your heart, too, will spin circles. Do you take pity? He’s trapped on that tiny boat, and all that motion is surely wreaking havoc on his tummy. Do you laugh? Dumb dog! Or do you feel envy? Dinghy donuts are probably more fun than lots of things, such as watching YouTube videos of dumb dogs.

Franken-Car With Two Front Ends Keeps Spinning and Spinning and Spinning

Andy Cush · 01/20/15 10:07AM

Wooooo yeah. In Hugh Lofting's classic children's book Dr. Doolittle, there's an imaginary animal called a pushmi-pullyu. Shit yeah. It has two heads, one on either end of its body, and can't move because it's always pulling itself in two directions at once. Hell yeah. This is kind of like that, except instead of a weird goat thing, it's a VW Passat, and instead of standing in place, it's doing the most bitchin' donuts you've ever seen. Awwwww fuck yeah!

Thieves Attempting to Rob Dunkin Donuts Mistakenly Steal Donuts

Max Read · 06/11/11 11:13AM

Three masked men, "armed with knives and a hatchet," attempted to rob a Dunkin Donuts in Hayannis, Mass. on Wednesday, bursting in through the door and demanding that the cashier hand over a paper bag in her purse. A paper bag filled with donuts.

Today is National Doughnut Day!

Remy Stern · 06/04/10 10:27AM

Today is National Doughnut Day, an actual real holiday created by the Salvation Army 72 years ago to honor the women who served doughnuts to soldiers during WW1. To celebrate, stores all over the country are giving away free doughnuts!

Do Not Let These Guys Park Your Car

Mike Byhoff · 12/18/09 11:08AM

When a set of keys is handed to a valet, a certain level of trust is exchanged. But for these valets, "park my car" is mistaken for "make my car do donuts."

Cop Saves Money Stereotypically

Hamilton Nolan · 07/20/09 11:03AM

The Way We Live Now: Stereotypically. Cops are stealing donuts. Other things are happening too, but cops are stealing donuts. Come on, guys.

'Gossip Girl' Star Runs From Fear Of Food

Douglas Reinhardt · 10/13/08 03:40PM

Click to Gossip Girl star Taylor Momsen is just another celebrity to be added to the list of individuals copping with an irrational fear. While her fear isn’t as debilitating as egomaniac/talk show host Tyra Banks’ fear of dolphins or any other celebrities’ fear of running into Gary Busey, Momsen suffers from a fear of giant talking fried foods. A special screening of the sex comedy Sex Drive served as an intervention for Momsen so she could finally face her fear. Before descending down the red carpet, Momsen, who was breathing heavily, slowly approached the donut, but quickly turned tail as soon as the donut said, “Hola.” When asked for a comment, the giant donut said, “I scare a lot of people. It’s okay. Then again, a lot of people want to eat me. So, it evens itself out." [Photo Credit: Getty Images] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

"Dunkin Donuts is one of our sponsors," Idiot!

Hamilton Nolan · 05/30/08 09:57AM

The anchor of Fox's "Good Day New York" thinks this Rachael Ray/ Dunkin' Donuts controversy (recap: Celebuchef Ray wore a keffiyeh in an ad, right-wingers were outraged, the company pulled the ad) is so stupid. It is! When the story came up this morning, he acknowledged that he can't stand Rachael Ray and doesn't even care what this controversy is about. Cue co-anchor Jodi Applegate leaning over and hissing (audibly): "Dunkin Donuts is one of our sponsors." His backtracking is magical! Please, click to watch this moment of journalistic integrity in action.

The Incredible Shrinking Donut of Balthazar

Joshua Stein · 07/31/07 04:10PM

Last time we checked in with the Banana Walnut donut at Balthazar, we cast on it an appreciative, almost saccharine, glaze. "Even if you're not a fan of donuts in general, you will be won over by the Balthazar banana variety," we claimed. But times have changed. FOR THE WORSE. When we sauntered up to Balthazar's marble counter this morning, the Banana Walnut donuts seemed somehow sadder and definitely smaller than before. In fact, they're tiny. Using the only measuring stick we have in the office (a Winston Light), you'll see they are laughably Lilliputian—and for $1.50, probably the most expensive bite you'll eat all day. The good news is that there are presumably fewer calories per donut.