It's a Thursday night in August, just past 10 p.m., and my mother is texting me. This might seem like a harmless nuisance except my mother is not supposed to text me. Two years ago I asked her to give me space and not reach out. She responded with an "ok" and proceeded to respect my wishes for 13 days. Nobody's mother listens, but why would I go through the trouble of asking the woman who birthed me to leave me alone: she physically and verbally abused me for 17 years and has been harassing me ever since.
Mixed martial arts fighter War Machine is still on the run and tweeting apologies after allegedly attacking his ex-girlfriend, porn actress Christy Mack, on Friday. Today, Mack—who is still recovering in a Las Vegas hospital—posted a series of graphic photos and her own horrifying account of the attack on Twitter.
In a move that might discourage women from reporting domestic abuse, the NYPD has issued a new directive to its officers that they run a criminal check on both the accused and the accuser when responded to an abuse call. The New York Post is reporting that a new memo sent out by the Chief of Detectives Phil Pulaski "requires detectives to look at open warrants, complaint histories and even the driving records of both parties."
The ripped-from-the-headlines plot of last night's Law & Order: Special Victims Unit was inspired by Chris Brown's 2009 assault of his on-again-off-again girlfriend Rihanna. Disingenuously, the episode opened with a disclaimer: "The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event." Perhaps this is the disclaimer for every episode of this godawful show, but it was particularly untrue last night as the show went on to reference Chris Brown's apology video, Chris Brown's bowtie, Chris Brown's dick pic, Chris Brown's duet(s) with Rihanna, Rihanna's request to relax the restraining order she was granted, the leaked picture of Rihanna's battered face, Chris Brown's tattoo that kind of resembles Rihanna's battered face and Chris Brown and Rihanna's voluminous social-media interactions. Look at all of those coincidences and marvel at their hilariously incompetent executions.
Like everyone in America, Dina Lohan has a theory about why Lindsay Lohan, the human female whose transformation from adorable frecklebean to bloated shriekmonster she oversaw, is "so screwed up." Dina's guess: It's because Lindsay saw her father beat up her mother. (Lindsay's father's guess: It's because Dina "is the devil.")
A Jacksonville, Florida couple just got into some serious drama over Alanis Morissette's music: Allen Casey, 24, hit his 33-year-old boyfriend, Todd Fletcher, after Fletcher allegedly refused to listen to anything but the Canadian chanteuse. Only listening to Alanis Morissettte really takes remembering the 90's to a whole new level. And c'mon, how did Tori Amos not make the playlist at least once?
Just two nights after they were allegedly spotted allegedly making out at a New York nightclub, and then definitely spotted definitely leaving the same New York hotel, Rihanna and Chris Brown were once again allegedly spotted allegedly hanging out together with Beyoncé, Rita Ora, and Santigold in the VIP section of a Jay-Z concert in Brooklyn's Barclays Center.
Maybe the most exciting story of the last few years is the increasingly prominent voice of a traditionally powerless and voiceless group: the super-rich. No longer content to stand by the wayside as the president begs them to contribute a slightly higher percentage of their massive incomes while they enjoy record-breaking profits, the super-rich have finally stood up to the middle-class and, with the typically astute metaphorical skill of the Wall Street billionaire, compared themselves to violently oppressed and abused people. And piñatas.
Cute new tat, Breezy! Except that from far away, it looks a little bit like a smudge. And when you get closer, the smudge starts to look like a skeleton from Día de los Muertos. And then, when you get even closer, it really comes into focus: This appears to be a tattoo of a battered woman, one that might very well resemble the infamous, horrible photo taken of Rihanna's face soon after then-boyfriend Chris Brown beat her in a car.