Good News: Dick Transplants Now Possible

Aleksander Chan · 03/13/15 02:15PM

Rejoice, peen-having members of this Earth: Doctors from University of Stellenbosch in South Africa successfully completed the world's first purported penis transplant—the patient has made a full recovery and "is sexually active."

Report: Gyno Ditches Woman Giving Birth to Fuck Another Patient

Aleksander Chan · 11/24/14 03:00PM

The New Mexico Medical Board has suspended Dr. Christopher S. Driskill, calling the doctor "a clear and immediate danger to the public health and safety." The doctor is accused of frequently being drunk at work and having inappropriate relationships with patients, apparently once leaving a woman giving birth "unattended" while he had sex with another patient.

Please Put Prices on Health Care

Hamilton Nolan · 11/06/14 11:07AM

There are many things wrong with the bloated, expensive American health care system. I would like to complain about one small part of it: the prices. It's not just that the prices are high. It's that... where the hell are the prices?

Optometrist Tests His Female Patient's Vision by Masturbating

Lacey Donohue · 10/03/13 06:50PM

A Michigan optometrist was charged Monday with indecent exposure after allegedly forcing a female patient to watch him masturbate. According to the Oakland County Sheriff’s Office, Dr. Robert Emmett Deck III of Oxford Township fit a 33 year-old woman with new contacts and then asked her to come into his personal office. When she stepped into his office, she “suspected something was not right” and pulled out her iPhone. Once he began masturbating, she was able to record audio of the Aug. 13 incident.

Sanjay Gupta Is All For Weed Now

Hamilton Nolan · 08/08/13 09:02AM

Alert, medical professionals: television doctor and 2003 People magazine "Sexiest Man Alive" runner-up Sanjay Gupta now supports medical marijuana. Please update your science textbooks.

Here Is a Long List of Medical Procedures You Don't Need

Hamilton Nolan · 02/21/13 01:34PM

One good way to fix America's vastly bloated and expensive health care system would be to make our health care system public like lots of other civilized nations with higher stands of living than us. [PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER]. Haha. But seriously—until then, here are some medical procedures you don't need.

Doctor Pees on Dentist's Door in Most Feeble, Passive-Aggressive Retaliation Ever

Jordan Sargent · 01/24/13 07:42PM

If someone testifies against you in court, there are a number of ways you can get back at them. Of course it should be noted that you should definitely not try and get back at them, unless you specifically want to deepen whatever legal trouble you're in. But anyway, the possibilities are almost truly infinite. You could, for instance, "swat" the person. Or you could dump a can of orange paint on the person's car. You could, I don't know, toss a watermelon through the person's front window.

How To Not Die of the Flu

Mallory Ortberg · 01/12/13 01:42PM

Yes, the flu season is really bad this year. No, it's not entirely due to "people use too much Purell nowadays" or whining about what's probably just a cold, either. The CDC reports that more than 200,000 people are hospitalized from "flu-related complications" every year. Sometimes, especially in the winter, people will use the word "flu" to describe any condition they want, but this is not the flu's fault and you should not blame it.

Chicks Taking All the Good Jobs

Hamilton Nolan · 12/05/12 10:12AM

Enlightened men know that the old system in which the top professional fields were almost completely dominated by"good old boys" simply was not tenable. I mean, the whining alone, year after year... I don't have to paint you a picture. It was just common sense to allow a few more women into the legal and medical professions. Modernization, and all that. Posing for the company "Diversity" brochure. Tending to the legal and medical problems of poopy children. Things of that nature. But, my fellow men, I'm afraid that we have grown lax. Our patronizing offer of PR-inspired pseudo-equality has been getting out of hand.