If you are alone in Disney World, you’ll never forget it. Even if you can ignore all of the families that surround you, even if you manage to miss the couples walking hand-in-hand through the park, you will always be aware of your singledom because you are constantly compelled to disclose it to the state authorities of the Magic Kingdom. On every ride, at every mechanical attraction, your status is interrogated before you sit down. And when the operator asks how many are in your party, you have to say—out loud—one.
In her new book, Primates of Park Avenue, social anthropologist Dr. Wednesday Martin claims to expose a troubling trend: "Upper crust" moms using a "black market" connection to hire handicapped tour guides to walk them through Disney World so they can take advantage of the line-skipping auxiliary entrances for disabled patrons.
Emerito Pujol, looking sad as all get-out in his mug shot, flashed a badge and walked right through the entrance to Epcot, one of the parks at a Disney World. He said he was an undercover officer and was looking for someone. When pressed, his story changed slightly: now he was "guarding someone important." Finally, a security guard checked his badge and noticed it read "American Federation of Police" and "Honorary Member." (The AFP is a nonprofit, not a law enforcement agency.)
Are you caught up on the most recent sex crimes somehow connected to Disney World? Well, you should be. First there was Disney reservations clerk Wilbert Brookins, arrested last week for trying to rape a woman in her Disney hotel room after he'd gotten her an "employee discount" and escorted her through the park. Although she was very specific: "she said at the time she would not exchange sex for this."
Some losers who have probably never even been to Disney World are saying that it was a bad idea for Christie to head down there last Sunday right as what ended up being a massive storm churned towards his state. (His lieutenant governor was away, too, in Mexico.) But do not try to make Chris Christie feel bad about about being a good dad. He planned the trip way before any dumb snow storm, so it would be totally unfair to his kids if he had just cancelled it. "I wanted to be there with my kids..." he said at a very defensive press conference today. "I had a great five days with my children."
Today, the Disney Parks Christmas Parade took place in California and Florida. Naturally, the event closed with a performance of "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey—who sat down for much of it. Watch inside.