Hamilton Nolan · 06/27/16 01:36PM

“Visits to fast-casual restaurants, long the bright spot of the industry, declined last month for the first time since 2004.” Fuck. The Applebee’s indicator is flashing WARNING. Dark days are coming.

Diners Are Too Expensive

Hamilton Nolan · 03/01/16 10:57AM

Diners: not a fast food restaurant, but also not a “real” restaurant. Something in between. Seems like it should be in between the price of fast food and a real restaurant. But is it?

This Valentine's Day, Show Your Love By Ignoring Valentine's Day

Ken Layne · 02/14/14 12:05PM

With dull eyes and open mouths, they crowd the streets and fill the restaurants. Some are teenagers, some are straight, some are gay, and far too many are married adults who would usually be found at home watching the television at night. They are the zombies of St. Valentine's Day, and they're just as miserable as they look.

Restaurants Are Full of Old People Now

Hamilton Nolan · 12/12/13 12:43PM

Hey, entitled "millennials," with your "organic" this and "artisanal" that and "farm to table" marijuana: you're not the bosses any more. Old folks have taken over American restaurants. Thank the lord.

World's Coolest 103-Year-Old Man Eats Fancy Dinner Every Night

Max Rivlin-Nadler · 09/29/13 09:30AM

When you hear about people eating at a nice restaurant every night, you might return to your half-frozen Hot Pocket in resentment and disgust. But if that person is 103-year-old Harry Rosen, it kinda just warms your heart.

Hamilton Nolan · 09/18/13 03:09PM

Finally, a restaurant has figured out how to get Brooklyn foodies to shut the fuck up: anyone who talks during Eat's $40 prix fixe "silent" dinner is "forced to eat the rest of their meal on the bench outside."

Americans Are Consuming Breakfast at an Unsafe Speed

Hamilton Nolan · 05/13/13 01:26PM

When "fast food" was invented back in the 1950s or whenever, we were cautiously optimistic. A ground hamburger patty and french-fried potatoes served in less time than it takes to raise and slaughter a cow, plant a field of potatoes, and build a fire? Sure, why not? But today it seems that Americans have forgotten how to take their time with their food.

Daft Americans Pay More For the Privilege of Eating Less

Hamilton Nolan · 02/07/13 02:50PM

The ongoing American obesity crisis has doubtless had a negative impact on our nation's health, appearance, and collective long-jump ability. And that's not all: it's also actually making us dumber. The latest evidence is irrefutable.

The Future of Food Is Williamsburg, Basically

Hamilton Nolan · 11/12/12 12:12PM

There was a time, Ad Age tells us, when canned soup or cereal were considered "easy" foods to prepare and consume. Can you imagine? The package-opening, the pouring-out, the adding of milk or water—if that was "easy," people in the olden days must have had it rough! Kids these days know better. For America's Greatest Generation—the Millennials—the future of food is a simple process of raising the Tater Stuffer™ from the rotating 7-11 heating case into one's mouth in one smooth, painless motion.

The Choice of a Fast Food Restaurant Is a Very Meaningful Choice

Hamilton Nolan · 10/11/12 03:15PM

Fast food restaurants: do you think they're "all the same?" Sure, and I guess human beings are "all the same" too, right? That's what Hitler thought, as well. For the rest of you, who know better, America's fast food establishments beseech you to take into considerations all the important factors relevant to your choice of a casual dining establishment. Once you purchase that McGriddle, there's no going back for a Croissanwich. This choice is forever.

Dead Malls Will Soon Be Really Depressing Restaurants

Hamilton Nolan · 09/19/12 01:25PM

The American mall is dying, and dying, and, let me check... yep, still dying. Not just big huge malls, but big-box stores, and strip malls, and everything else that consists of chain stores shaped like boxes, made out of plastic, selling crap. America, in other words. Now our national landscape is littered with the only thing worse than big box stores: empty big box stores. Hey, ho, is there any solution?

A Guide to America's Worst Restaurants for Workers

Hamilton Nolan · 06/13/12 11:03AM

Since we're on the topic of basic fairness for the working people of America, here is a useful thing: a pro-worker group called Restaurant Opportunities Centers United has produced a handy pocket guide to many of America's most popular restaurants, to let you know exactly how badly their employees are treated. The short version, below.

What Does Your Choice of Casual Dining Chain Say About You?

Hamilton Nolan · 09/30/11 10:41AM

Interchangeable pseudofood joint Chili's—intent on "spicing up its brand"—is spending millions on a new ad campaign, one part of which is summed up thusly by the company's ad genius: "How he behaves is bold, how she behaves is bold, and the food we're featuring in the spot is boldly flavored."

Mom Shouted 'Let Him Die' as Disabled Son Choked

Lauri Apple · 08/06/11 10:49AM

On Thursday, Rolaine Foigelman of Tonawanda, N.Y. pleaded guilty to endangering the welfare of an incompetent person based on an incident in which she tried to stop bystanders from helping to save her son's life. Hey, at least nobody will accuse her of being a helicopter mom now.

Paul Ryan and the $350 Bottles of Wine

Jim Newell · 07/08/11 03:05PM

Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), a leading advocate of shrinking entitlement spending and the architect of the plan to privatize Medicare, spent Wednesday evening sipping $350 wine with two like-minded conservative economists at the swanky Capitol Hill eatery Bistro Bis.