Weight Watchers Point Changes Plunge Members' Lives Into Chaos

Adrian Chen · 12/04/10 06:57PM

If you're one of the thousands of Americans who uses the Weight Watchers system to turn meals into joyless games of caloric Tetris, you probably noticed the rules have changed. No longer is an apple worth 2 points. Everything's weird!

Exciting New Diet Craze: Pee Injections

Maureen O'Connor · 12/02/10 03:03PM

Have you heard about the thrilling new diet where you inject the urine of pregnant women into your body, with a syringe? One lady lost 43 pounds! Unless it was the accompanying 500-calorie dietary restriction. Nah, probably the pee.

Just About Everyone's Inspirational Except You

Hamilton Nolan · 11/08/10 04:09PM

Fitness myths! Crystal diet! Fat marathons! Kiddie runs! Happy Meals! Carnivore cancer! Wine diet! Boxing girls! And your daily inspiration to make you feel ashamed! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—comparatively poorly!

Oh Christ: Cats Make You Healthy

Hamilton Nolan · 11/02/10 02:25PM

Dream diets! Asthma surgery! Concussion guidelines! Exercise colds! Depression reruns! Robot hands! Bluffer brains! And kitty kitty kitty cats cats cats! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while pandering to cute addicts!

Drugs Still Haven't Cured Getting Old, Dying

Hamilton Nolan · 09/02/10 02:02PM

Psychosis drugs! Botox drugs! Chimpanzee hugs! Diet drugs! Porno fugs! Malaria drugs! Teenage shrugs! And dementia drugs! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—and wealth, and knowledge of self!

Scientists Confirm: PMS Is Your Boyfriend's Fault

Hamilton Nolan · 08/24/10 02:38PM

PMS decoded! Neurosurgery! Stapled peptides! Ants on McDonald's! Eggs that kill! More smoking cancer! Chronic fatigue solved! And gluten-free crapola! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—consuming Wheaties by the barrel!

What You Eat Will Kill You Soon

Hamilton Nolan · 05/10/10 10:38AM

Horse therapy! Lettuce addicts! Healthy men! Bodega diets! Church workouts! Nursery cake! Food mockery! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch fitness—while snacking voraciously!