Jealous of Donald Trump's Body? It Can Be Yours 

Allie Jones · 11/18/15 04:11PM

What if I told you that you could lose 15 lbs. in five months with no calorie-counting, treadmills, or embarrassing weigh-ins? You can even eat snacks. All you have to do is work yourself into blindly racist huff one-to-three times per day, and you will see results. Just ask Donald Trump!

Let the Pope Eat Carbs

Allie Jones · 04/02/15 11:57AM

Pope Francis longs for many things in life, surely: World peace, the Parousia, the latitude to say that women can be know, stuff like that. The one thing he wants for himself? Pasta. And now Vatican doctors are telling him he can’t have it, because he’s gained a little weight since moving to Italy.

Rich Baby Never Gets Treats

Kelly Conaboy · 11/15/14 04:09PM

According to an OK! Magazine source, Kim Kardashian feeds her 16-month-old fashion doll a strict, sugar-free, organic diet, meaning: NO TREATS.

High Protein Diets Make You Look Good, Kill You

Hamilton Nolan · 03/11/14 10:35AM

Americans do not remember anything from chemistry or biology class, but they will damn sure buy anything that contains "protein," because I think it gives you muscles? Sadly, it appears that high protein diets may also cause you to die.

New Diet Drugs Still Not as Good as Pushups

Hamilton Nolan · 06/07/13 11:32AM

Today marks the arrival of two new prescription drugs designed to help Americans lose weight. For hundreds of dollars per month, clinically obese Americans will be able to purchase cutting-edge chemistry that is less effective than just taking long walks sometimes.

Weight Watchers, Besides Being Unnecessary, Also Pays Employees Horribly

Hamilton Nolan · 02/26/13 11:34AM

Weight Watchers International made profits of $253 million last year by charging people a monthly fee for diet advice that is available for free elsewhere, and selling packaged diet food that is inferior to other food available more cheaply elsewhere. But hey, whatever works for you, etc etc. A more basic problem: they exploit their workers.

All the Most Delicious Foods Are Making You Dumb

Caity Weaver · 05/15/12 06:25PM

Turns out it might not be your laziness, stubbornness, or general God-given incompetence making you stupid: it could just be all the delicious high fructose corn syrup you eat.

Don't Tell Me About Your Diet

Hamilton Nolan · 05/10/12 01:12PM

In order to better address the needs of our fitness-obsessed readers, we are introducing this semi-regular column, "I of the Tiger," to take on the vital hardcore fitness issues of our time. Today: eat to win, but keep it to yourself. Dig it.

Fat-Assed Lawmaker Overheard Bitching about Michelle Obama's 'Large Posterior'

Max Read · 12/22/11 12:07PM

Wisconsin Republican Rep. Jim Sensenbrenner hates how Michelle Obama is constantly forcing sickening Muslim traditions like "vegetables" and "exercise" on the youth of America—especially when she herself is so disgustingly corpulent, in the butt area. He hates it so much he can't even keep quiet about it!

Gifts for People You Hate

Maureen O'Connor · 12/05/11 02:45PM

Welcome to Gift Guide Week at Gawker, where we instruct on how best to fritter away your hard-won dollars on meaningless tokens of consumerism, because a bastard baby was born in a pile of hay on a clear night 2000 years ago. Let's start with the people you want to cross off your shopping list: people you hate.

Americans Are Fatter, And We're Okay With That

Hamilton Nolan · 11/28/11 09:55AM

Americans are reportedly 20 pounds heavier, on average, than we were in 1990. Wha? Were people really so fine, in 1990, outside of In Living Color's The Fly Girls? It's okay, though; we've made certain... psychological adjustments. We now have raised our self-reported "ideal weight" by ten pounds. No matter how big we get, our problem is just those last ten pounds! From a new Gallup poll:

Stabbing Your Kids Is Okay Now

Hamilton Nolan · 11/21/11 04:44PM

Acupuncture kids! Stem cells! Text bullies! Boundary effect! Pig drugs! Tainted jerky! Elderly pain! Light brains! And the super Greek diet that will save us all! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—pointedly!