Forty Percent of Your Kids Will Get Diabetes

Hamilton Nolan · 08/13/14 10:42AM

If you have a "young one" waddling around your home at the moment (because it is your child), I suggest you lift them off the ground with a mighty effort, shake them (as much as you're able), and scream, "There's a 40% chance you will have diabetes one day!" (until your muscles give out).

Paula Deen Is a Greasy Villain

Hamilton Nolan · 01/18/12 12:38PM

Well well well, obesity rates in America are finally "stabilizing," at 112%. Kidding, it's not even 40%. We've managed to avoid a clinically obese majority. This is considered progress. No thanks to you, Paula Deen.

Sugary Breakfast Cereals Linked to Cool Parents

Hamilton Nolan · 12/07/11 02:55PM

Sugar cereal! Plan B! Nocturnal diabetes! Elderly presidents! Breast cancer! Parkinson's dancing! Bedbug breeding! Marathon hearts! And America's most and least healthy states, revealed! It's your Wednesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—grrrrreatly!

What Ever Happened to All-Natural Drugs Like Heroin?

Hamilton Nolan · 09/13/11 03:40PM

Immune cancer! Alpha males! Child naps! Hospital sepsis! Kidney disease! Erectile cure! More diabetes! Designer drugs! And you won't want to miss today's fruit that will kill you! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—opioidally!

There's a Pretty Decent Chance Your Meds Are Killing You Somehow

Hamilton Nolan · 06/27/11 04:08PM

Abortion bans! Mouse hemophilia! Diabetes growth! Botox alternative! HIV testing! Undercover patients! Drug warnings! Weight loss! And having AIDS just got a little harder! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!

Dog Eats Off Owner's Toes as He Sleeps

Max Read · 03/07/11 12:30AM

Do you have a dog? Have you taken any naps lately? Quick, count your toes! Because—if your dog is anything like this Shiba Inu in Oregon—some of them might be missing: