Foods That Aren't Good Cold

Hamilton Nolan · 03/16/15 01:20PM

Some foods, like pizza, are good hot, and still good cold. Other foods are okay hot, but are not good cold. This is a list of the latter group of foods.

Why Don't We Eat Cranberry Sauce All Year?

Hamilton Nolan · 11/24/14 12:44PM

It is almost Thanksgiving time. You know what that means: cranberry sauce on your plate! Soon, Thanksgiving will be over. Then there's no more cranberry sauce on your plate. What's the reason for this treason?

My Failed Attempt to Suck the Walmart-Flavored Blood of Real America

Hamilton Nolan · 10/08/14 12:00PM

BRANSON, MO—Among the things that I dislike most in this world are patriotism, religion, tourist traps, country music, and the Walmart corporation. So I traveled to the one area of this nation that captures them all. It did not go as planned.

What Brings You to the Mall?

Hamilton Nolan · 02/11/14 04:55PM

Many people do not go to the mall any more. But some people still go to the mall. And most people at least used to go to the mall. What is the number one store that draws you—or drew you—to the mall? Think. This is important.

Hamilton Nolan · 01/20/14 10:19AM

Life Is Short, But Are Most of Us Really Living?: "I am 26, so probably a good deal more than ¼ through my life. The scariest, most abyss-staring part of death is that, once we are dead, we never come back... Think about that. Then think about the grain of sand our life truly is."

Why Do Assholes Love Watches?

Hamilton Nolan · 01/24/13 03:05PM

When you think of "things that self-aggrandizing assholes like," you may think of flashy jewelry, or exotic sports cars, or misquoting The Art of War. True enough. But there is no single signifier more characteristic of the upwardly mobile, ostentatious yet fundamentally insecure, braggart asshole male than an expensive fucking watch. See this? It's a Breitling, bro. Don't touch.

Are Nuts Salty or Sweet?

Hamilton Nolan · 11/28/12 12:00PM

Let us stipulate, as gentlemen and gentlewomen, that food can generally be divided into two separate and distinct categories: Sweet foods, and Salty (or Savory) foods. Accepting momentarily this fundamental bifurcation, we turn our attention, as we do so often, to nuts. Nuts. Are they a salty food, or a sweet food? The answer is not so simple.

David Brooks Is Not Coherent

Hamilton Nolan · 07/27/12 09:08AM

Glasses-adjusting New York Times-version-of-a-Republican David Brooks is a highly talented political columnist-craftsman, in the sense that he is able to lay a thin veneer of pop psychology-varnish over even the most cracked glass coffee table of intellectualism* (*David Brooks-style mishmash alert). Today, Brooks puts forth his most breathtaking ideological prescription yet: our leaders should always be doing opposite things at all times.

Black and Latino People Should Thank Coca-Cola for Targeting Them, Says Ad Guy

Hamilton Nolan · 06/18/12 09:26AM

There are few things more delightful than waking up on an average Monday morning here in Post-Racial America to the following real headline from a column in Ad Age: "Hats Off to the Soft-Drink Industry for Giving Attention to Hispanics and Blacks." Hats off to you, marketers of nutrition-free sugar water! You are trying to sell your product to minorities. You are all the real heroes.

When Do You Really 'Become a New Yorker?'

Hamilton Nolan · 03/22/12 10:56AM

The question has been asked ever since the first wet-behind-the-ears whelp fresh from Ireland stumbled off a boat at New York Harbor, dying from scurvy: When does someone become a real New Yorker?

Philosopher Reveals Why Chicken Crossed Road

Hamilton Nolan · 08/05/11 10:59AM

Why did the chicken cross the road? For eons, philosophers have debated the question, because that is philosophers' idea of a "funny" riff on their own weighty profession, which is why most philosophers are not "chick magnets." Well, we're happy to report that the question has finally been answered.