· After being ritually abused by cloddish comedians for nearly two hours at the largely laugh-free roast for Bob Saget (save for Norm MacDonald's tremendous bit) a few weeks back, it was good to see Cloris Leachman getting the last laugh on Dancing With The Stars last night. It goes without saying that we were tremendously shocked to discover the Grand Canyon-esque 82 year-old cleavage that she's been hiding all these years. We were not surprised, however, to learn that her classiness and elegance on the dance floor greatly outweighs that of her much younger competitor, Miss Kim Krash-dashian. [DWTS] · American Psycho ... the musical? We can't wait to see what they do with the showstopping "Hip To Be Square" dance number. [ONTD] · We'll take any and every opportunity we get to reset the "I Can Do 200 Of These" guy. [BWE] · Even Megan Fox's mom is pretty sure that story of hers about her alleged affair with a stripper at The Body Shop is total bullshit ("Is it all true? I don’t know. It’s possible she made it up just like it’s possible that it happened."). [Palm Beach Post] · This ancient commercial for a 1-900 number that you would dial to hear other people can't possibly be real, can it? It can only be described as a Jack Handy "Fuzzy Memories" SNL skit meets Chuck Palahniuk. [Videogum]
· Looks like Ben Silverman isn't the only one who should be updating his resume. After 246 episodes of Deal Or No Deal, last night marked the first time that a contestant took home the million dollar briefcase, which can't be good for The Banker's employment status. Congrats go out to Jessica Robinson but, truth be told, we still don't like her as much as the "I Can Do 200 Of These!" guy. [NBC] · Just the other week, we finally learned why Christian Bale sounded so hoarse in The Dark Knight. Now, can someone please explain why Bale and Kermit The Frog have never been seen in the same place at the same time before? If only Robert Stack were still alive... [ONTD] · Finally, a Friedberg/Seltzer production did the impossible. After failing with Meet The Spartans, Date Movie and Epic Movie, Disaster Movie managed to score a perfect 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. [Best Week Ever] · Everyone over at The CW is crowing that they managed to lure 3.4 million viewers into watching Gossip Girl's second season premiere last night. Those sound like good numbers, except when you compare it to the 7.7 million that tuned into TNT's Raising The Bar. Zack Morris will always be cooler than Serena Van Der Woodsen. [TV Week] · Hey Chauncey, Go Fuck Yourself Buddy: A Mad Men Wishlist. [This Recording]
We're still flipping through "The New Classics" issue of Entertainment Weekly that hit newsstands about two weeks ago. And while we feel that, on the whole, the staffers over there put together a pretty thorough examination of the last 25 years of pop culture, we do have a few qualms with their list. Chief among them is the inclusion of Casino Royale, the 2006 rebooting of the Bond franchise, which came in at #19 in their list of Top 100 movies. While it was certainly a serviceable action thriller, we've never quite been able to understand Owen Gleiberman's fascination with the film (he also rated it the top movie of 2006). Sure, the opening sequence was pretty cool if you've never seen Banlieue 13 or The Bourne Supremacy, but for us, the rest of the film was pure, uncut meh. After all, it couldn't have been just us who fell asleep during that interminable card game of Uno* that took up the entire third act of the film, right? But we're getting off track here. What we meant to be discussing all along is the new trailer for JB22, aka Quantum Of Solace, which we have for you after the jump.
· We think we have a worthy successor to the Star Wars Holiday Special for the most blasphemous use of the property, like, ever. That said, that Darth Banker's a hard-ass, isn't he? $49,000? But there's five large amounts still left in play—including the million! [Deal or No Deal]
· "Organizers of a major California music festival are offering a $10,000 reward and four festival tickets for life in exchange for ex-Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters' two-story inflatable pig." [Reuters]
· David Blaine will try to break the 17-minute world record for breath holding on The Oprah Winfrey Show, which is fine and all, but it's no Criss Angel mindfreaking her brains out. [AP]
· Her new six-hour-a-day workout regimen sometimes requires that Britney Spears walk around the gym wearing nothing but a towel. [Daily Mail]
· Paramount takes a heavy swig of the Blu-Ray Kool-Aid (which, oddly enough, tastes like raspberry with a slightly bitter after-taste). [THR]
· Here's what we can tell you about NBC's Celebrity Circus, possibly the most significant televised amateur circus event in recent history: Joey Fatone will be ringmaster. Scheduled to appear: Christopher Knight, Rachel Hunter, Antonio Sabato Jr., Blu Cantrell, and Jason "Wee Man" Acuna, whom we'll assume will be fired at some point from the Lil' Caesar's Cannon of Doom™. [Variety]
· Fox is sitting atop the big studio heap entering into the summer box office season (OMG! It's almost the summer box office season! Who's excited?!), but Warner Bros., with its one-two-three punch of Speed Racer, Get Smart, and The Dark Knight should comfortably take the lead. (Especially when you look at Fox's roster: Eddie Murphy's Dave and The X-Files: I'm Trying As Hard As I Can To Buy This Alien Mumbo-Jumbo, Mulder.) [THR]
If you were wondering why everyone running for president was talking like a wrestler yesterday instead of retaining some semblance of dignity, you'll be happy to find out the candidates were merely practicing for a new presidential tradition begun by George W. Bush: Appearing on a TV game show and cracking jokes. That might sound a little cheesy, but it was for a good cause. The president, you see, wanted to honor an Iraq veteran with the sort of dignity only host Howie Mandel can conjure on Deal Or No Deal. "Are you ready to get some acknowledgement for your hard work and bravery?" Mandel asked. Oh, sure, what the hell:
An appalling four months after the brave Deal Or No Deal model-slave known only as Briefcase Number Two took to basic cable to expose the show's inhumane working conditions (particularly chilling was Two's showcasing of the scars Howie Mandel inflicted with a cat o' nine tails for her unacceptable fumbling with a lock on her assigned Zero Halliburton during a crucial moment), the mainstream media has decided to finally take up the mistreated mannequins' cause.
· For those of you who couldn't get enough of Deal Or No Deal's John (aka Mr. I Can Do 200 Of These), here's another clip of the retired New York City "gahbage" man whose battles with The Dealer are fast becoming the thing of legend.
· File this one under questions you've always wanted to know the answer to but have always been too afraid to ask: "How many times is too many to take Plan B in a month?" Jezebel's Slut Machine has the answer ... ish.
· The Onion comes up with alternate titles for Over Her Dead Body, the new Eva Longoria Parker shitshow that's about to hit theaters.
· "What is it like in this world of youth, where a pedestrian tear-jerk cover of 'Time After Time' by Hoobastankian California bullshit artists Saosin is considered the height of emotion, and prom is as cliched as the one shown in the initial scenes of this sure-to-be-truly-horrifying remake of the classic 1980 slasher film Prom Night?" If you haven't yet been introduced to Detour, you're in for a treat.
· Lastly, Slate's Dana Stevens put together the best Heath Ledger piece that we read all day.
· Please believe us when we say that we're not regular viewers of Deal Or No Deal. That said, dig (if you will) the ridiculous gamesmanship on display between The Dealer and the retired New York City garbage (gahbage!) man who dared take him on. Fugghedaboutit!
· Rupert Murdoch's internet browsing history ... REVEALED! Take it with a grain of salt, though, `cause we're pretty sure he doesn't use a Mac.
· We think that Keira Knightley's chin got totally robbed, too!
· We're calling BS on the rumours that Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds got engaged.
· And, in case you missed it, Stereogum grabbed some viddy of The Moldy Peaches performing their surprise hit from Juno, "Anyone Else But You", on The View yesterday.
Ellen DeGeneres promises to liven up the Deal or No Deal proceedings when she makes a guest appearance on the hit NBC game show. But unlike past guests, like Donald "The Banker" Trump and Celine "Open Da Case!" Dion, the canine-regifter will join the show's Pyramid of Hot Briefcasemodels. TVGuide.com reports:
To the outsider, being a part of Deal or No Deal's army of briefcase-opening models might seem like an easy gig, requiring little more than standing on a riser and offering the occasional, sheepishly sympathetic smile to a contestant whose dreams of financial independence they've just destroyed by revealing a dollar amount with too many zeroes.
"Family hour"—the sacred block of TV programming between 8 and 9 p.m. that for generations has given parents a handy tool for avoiding direct and awkward communication with their children—has been found to contain higher incidents of sex, violence, and cursing than ever before, a study conducted by the Parents Television Council has found. From the Reuters report:
As if the grief of this week weren't already about to swallow our heavy hearts whole, People rocks our world by demolishing our last shred of hope that good might eventually triumph. Charlize Theron, who so courageously uglied herself up to win an Oscar, is now reportedly locked in the jaws of an even more terrible monster: Howie Mandel. A poisonous, soul-destroying addiction to the Deal or no Deal video game has reduced Theron to hiding in her trailer, feverishly playing with faux-Howie, waving off director Paul Haggis's questions about a scene, and wantonly ignoring his unwelcome pleas for her to take the money and run.
The media world is still awaiting NBC Universal executioner Jeff Zucker's "town hall" meeting with his employees, in which he will calmly bar the doors to the "hall," step up to the podium, and then announce that 700 or so (or 5%, for you percentage junkies) of his beloved underlings aren't getting out of their meeting alive. But once the blood is mopped from the floors and the guillotine baskets are cleared of severed heads, how does this affect you, the person who doesn't particularly care about corporate streamlining enabling a faceless multimedia conglomerate to take bold, more cost-efficient steps (cutely named NBCU 2.0) into the brave new digital world? The WSJ reports on the revised mandate given to NBC Uni's fourth-place TV division (sub. req'd.):
Earlier in the week we introduced you to the Deal or No Deal Banker's Blog, in which the famously silent silhouette shares his world view with the adoring masses. In his latest post, it appears just a few months spent living in the shadows of Howie Mandel's large, bald head has quickly taken its toll on the Alan Greenspan of the game show set: