People Are Tweeting and Driving in This Sad, Sad World

Dayna Evans · 05/19/15 10:15AM

A new survey released on Tuesday morning reveals details of what we had all feared: People who drive cars are not just texting their friends while behind the wheel, they’re also using their time cruising to tweet, update Facebook, and shoot videos. Why bother living when you could be dead instead?

Are You the Shitbag Who Straight Up Axe-Murdered This Tree? 

Dayna Evans · 03/31/15 01:45PM

A crazy thing to do is kill another person. A less crazy thing to do is to take an axe to a tree in the Upper West Side and deplete it of the nutrients it needs to survive. The latter, however, is still a bad and terrible way to release your anger, so if it was you—own up!

Detroit Beset By Wild Dogs

Hamilton Nolan · 08/21/13 08:42AM

"Detroit," the name of an area of ruins that was a vast manufacturing center in ancient times, is having a tough run. It's lost a million residents. It's gone bankrupt. But one thing Detroit can still be proud of: its roaming packs of wild dogs.

Hamilton Nolan · 07/22/13 09:50AM

Have you talked with your teen about the dangers of inhaling blow darts?

America's Kids Under Constant Threat of Being Crushed by Toilet Seats

Caity Weaver · 06/17/13 05:36PM

Toilet seats: your penis belongs dangling in front them, not crushed underneath them, but try telling that to America’s dumb kids. A new study published in urology journal BJU International (summarized in Reuters under the ominous headline “Falling toilet seats: Rare but growing risk for boys”) found that emergency room visits prompted by toilet seats slamming down onto little boys’ penises with the righteous fury of an angry God increased by a rate of 100 per year between 2002 and 2010.

Making Subways Safer Is a Poor Use of Money

Hamilton Nolan · 01/29/13 12:10PM

In New York City last year, 141 were struck by subway trains, and 55 were killed. There have been several recent high-profile deaths on the tracks, including one that made the cover of the NY Post. Falling (or being pushed) in front of a train is a classic nightmare scenario. So what should we do to prevent it? Well... something cheap, if anything.

Hamilton Nolan · 01/21/13 11:22AM

Hungry turtles, angry jellyfish, explosions, drowning, and other hazards of life as a professional deep sea diver.

Is a TV Falling Onto Your Child Right Now?

Hamilton Nolan · 12/13/12 11:43AM

Is your child going to be killed by a falling TV? Have you even thought about it? Probably not, because what do you even care? You never loved me, and you're not my real mom anyhow. The point here is, the next falling TV may land on top of your child.

Hamilton Nolan · 10/26/12 03:40PM

Las Vegas residents complain that housing chimps in your backyard is a "safety issue." Man. That town used to be cool.

Every NYC Tourist's Worst Nightmare Comes True for One Woman

Hamilton Nolan · 07/13/12 08:44AM

Years ago, when an acquaintance of mine in Florida heard I was going to visit New York City, he replied, with complete seriousness, "New York City, huh? You wanna take my pistol?" This is because all those local yokel out-of-towners down south still imagine New York to be a dark, dangerous land prowled by muggers and rapists. The fools! NYC is safer than ever. Unless you're that one terribly unlucky person.

We Are Staunchly in Favor of CEOs Having Dangerous Hobbies

Hamilton Nolan · 03/14/12 09:44AM

The Wall Street Journal today takes on a thorny question that's wracking the collective consciences of corporate boards from coast to coast: when does a CEO's private hobby become too dangerous? As natural leaders driven to excel and seek thrills in both their private lives and their careers, it's no wonder that many CEOs enjoy flying their own small planes, or even sky diving. Considering the responsibilities they have to their employees and shareholders, should CEOs of huge public corporation really be allowed to engage in risky behavior that holds a chance of serious injury or death?