Carly Fiorina hasn’t been able to claim very many “wins” in her life. HP was a disaster. Her run for the Senate was a disaster. And most recently, her bid for the presidency was a disaster. But now, Carly Fiorina has made her gravest mistake of all: Accepting a position in which she’s forced to touch Ted Cruz constantly.
At a rally in South Bend, Indiana yesterday, Ted Cruz continued his “I am a human” tour with newfound running mate Carly Fiorina. And as he took to the stage with his companion and progeny, loving, human father Ted Cruz reached down to his daughter, Caroline, to show the cameras just how much he cares. As any rational person would do in this situation, Caroline ran.
A little over a week ago, Ted Cruz’s daughters managed to tolerate their father’s presence for an entire hour while being interviewed on CNN. But being rendered temporarily blind and deaf by Ted’s soup admission, we seem to have missed the night’s (other) big reveal: Multiple copies exist of a video of Ted Cruz dressed as, I guess, a princess, maybe? And friends, readers, countrymen, we want that video.
Thanks to CNN’s town hall, America just got another glimpse into the waking hell that is Heidi Cruz’s daily life. Tonight’s entry into the Heidi Cruz catalogue of the macabre: A newlywed Ted Cruz celebrates by buying 100 cans of Campbell’s Chunky soup.
A few years ago, the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge took the nation’s Facebook timelines by storm, as hundreds of thousands of individuals poured freezing water on their heads lest they be forced to donate money to charity. In August of 2014, current presidential candidate Ted Cruz was one of those challengers. And like most videos involving Ted Cruz, this one’s hard to watch.
Watching Ted Cruz speak in any capacity isn’t pleasant. He’s smug, over-rehearsed, and likely wearing someone else’s skin. But as soon you notice this one odd, slightly nauseating little tic, watching Ted Cruz speak gets so, so much worse. We’re sorry.
Thanks to the (few) rules governing campaign Super PACs, candidates aren’t technically allowed to coordinate with them. Which means candidates can’t technically feed them hours and hours of raw video footage for future campaign ads. Candidates can however, casually leave them on a neglected YouTube account for Super PACs to find. And thank god they can, because Ted Cruz did.