Hamilton Nolan · 03/26/14 03:10PM

A bankrupt New Mexico peanut butter factory has been bought by a Canadian company. To what extent are you truly "keeping an eye" on our national peanut supply, Mr. President?

Black Person in Yoga Class Causes Profound Moral Crisis

Hamilton Nolan · 01/28/14 05:14PM

Jen Caron, a self-described "skinny white girl," enjoys yoga. Or she did, at least—until a harrowing experience which can be accurately described as, "There was a new person at yoga, and that person was black."

Velveeta Shortage Threatens Our National Cheez Supply

Hamilton Nolan · 01/07/14 09:42AM

Attention, readers: this is not a test. This is not a drill. Please, without panicking, stop what you are doing and make your way to the nearest supermarket. Now. America may—and we stress may—be running out of Velveeta.

Oh No, Drug Counselors Might Have Criminal Records

Hamilton Nolan · 05/14/13 09:58AM

If there's one thing that the State of California wants in a drug and alcohol counselor, it's a spotless past free of crime. So the state was appalled to learn that felons may be counseling people about drugs. Do we want to live in a society that legalizes speaking from experience?

Slatternly Trollops Flaunt Their Vaginal Potions Right Where Your Children Are Buying Candy

Hamilton Nolan · 07/03/12 01:54PM

The latest front in America's whorish War on Decency could be as close as the drug store aisle. Our nation's Pandora-like women, outfitted in buttocks-baring short shorts as they prowl the landscape for the "good time" Appletini party boy of the night, now demand the right to have unspeakable varieties of grossly sexual concoctions and tools for prodding into nameless bodily crevices available for purchase at every small-town retailer and drug store. How long before your child comes home from a "candy run" to reveal a mouthful not of Lik-M-Aid but of KY Jelly, what with its eye-catching, alluring packaging?

Poor People Are Wasting Time on the Internet!

Hamilton Nolan · 05/30/12 09:07AM

Poor people: why are they poor and dissolute? In this modern age of electrical light-bulbs, horseless carriages, and the inter-net, what excuse hath any man for being less than prosperous? Today, even those of modest means can possess a cell phone, a television, and a "Google" machine that possesses many times the knowledge of the fabled Library of Alexandria. Why haven't our nation's paupers taken advantage of these capabilities to catapult themselves into the upper class?

Nuclear Crisis Should Be Over in Nine Months

Max Read · 04/17/11 03:31PM

Don't worry, folks! The crisis at Japan's Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear power plant should be "over by the end of the year," according to a timeline from plant operator Tepco. "Over," in this case, means that the reactors will be cooled. (Radiation leaks will be "reduced" in three months.) Once "cold shutdown" is achieved, the reactors will be entombed in concrete and contaminated soil will be cleaned up; right now, Tepco is taking readings at the damaged plant through the use of remote-controlled robots. [BBC]

The First Photos from Inside the Fukushima Nuclear Plant

Max Read · 03/23/11 09:06PM

Japan's Nuclear and Industrial Safety Agency released the first round of photographs from the interior of the stricken Fukushima Dai-ichi Nuclear Power Plant, where 180 workers, operating in rotating shifts, are struggling to contain and control the release of radiation.

Libya Shuts Down the Internet

Remy Stern · 03/04/11 06:35PM

For the second time in two weeks, Libya has managed to cut off the country from the Internet. "It's like a post-apocalyptic scenario where the roads are there, there just isn't any traffic," explains one IT expert. [IBT via Techcrunch]

Nobody Can Tell These Magazines Apart

Hamilton Nolan · 07/30/09 03:48PM

Harper's Magazine is a wordy, smart magazine for self-satisfied liberals. Harper's Bazaar is a glossy fashion magazine. But according to the publisher of Harper's, it's a constant battle to make sure people don't confuse the two.