Papal Pardons, In Order

Mallory Ortberg · 12/22/12 06:20PM

The pope met with his former butler today in order to pardon him for turning over embarrassing confidential Vatican papers to an Italian journalist. As official Church pardons go, it was "intense and personal," and was followed by the customary annual anti-gay Christmas address. But compared to other papal pardons, it barely merits notice:

Connecticut Man Swears He Was Sleepwalking, Not Committing Armed Robbery. Also, This Is All a Dream.

Caity Weaver · 06/07/12 10:58PM

The next time you get caught doing something you shouldn't (stealing food off a friend's plate, coveting thy neighbor's wife, etc.) one way you could try to get out of it is by opening your eyes really wide and yelling "Oh, what, what time is it, where am I, oh, man, I was asleep, bro, I was fast asleep and I just woke up and found myself here doing something I shouldn't – what happened?"

'High Class' $3,400-an-Hour Prostitution Ring Busted in Brooklyn

Max Read · 07/20/11 07:29PM

Seventeen men and women were arrested in Brooklyn on Wednesday and charged with running a pricey prostitution business called "High Class NY". A lucrative prostitution business, too—according to the D.A.'s office, the company raked in $7 million over three years.

Texting While Walking Is Now a Crime in Philadelphia

Max Read · 07/18/11 06:20PM

In today's little bit of authoritarianism we can get behind: Philadelphia is going to start handing out citations—and $120 fines—to pedestrians who "text while they walk without looking ahead."