No longer content to obsess about the genital structures between your legs, Cosmopolitan magazine has now uncovered an "above-the-waist G-spot" in females, an "eye erection" capacity in males, and a secret penis in the tip of a man's nose. Is this a fetish or something? An evolution of acrotomophilia, perhaps?
Is it possible that college students—rather than being our nation's elite—are just unsophisticated dolts, like the rest of America? According to a new survey, college kids' favorite magazine is Time. Last year it was Cosmopolitan. What, they don't teach book-learnin' in universities any more? But then you realize that the same survey says college kids' favorite restaurant is McDonald's and their favorite clothing brand is American Eagle and their favorite band is Coldplay, and it all starts to fit. [Ad Age, Previously]
Being a regular girl is work enough—God knows what being a Cosmogirl entails. A tolerance for fruitinis? The ability to exist on salad alone? The shamelessness required to "[come] to bed in a soaking wet white tee shirt"? We've been gleefully following Cosmopolitan blogger Leo (Smith '07)—her blog's narrative is "one socially awkward girl's attempts to transform into a sexy, social butterfly." At first, we pointed and laughed like bullies—but it was only because deep down, we all feel awkward. We teased her about her use of the word "[doing] the grown-up" as a euphemism for sex, and how she wondered aloud if playing the field was "immoral". We also said that "increasingly, watching her thirty-day evolution at the hands of people who professionally suggest 'how to be a total man-magnet' is like watching a gazelle getting torn apart by hyenas." That was bitchy. But we were rooting for her all along. Leo's written her goodbye post, and we were worried: did the Cosmo machine spit out a Cosmotini-swilling, Choo-wearing girl-droid in the shape of their brand?Writes young Leo:
Cosmopolitan is purportedly a magazine for women, but judging from its headlines, it's mainly there to encourage our pursuit of naked men—and to tell us how to please them. Yet, they have a huge problem with actual naked men: when Jossip found Internet porn photos of two of their "50 Hottest Bachelors of 2008," the magazine promptly uninvited them from their Hottest Bachelor Party, reports Page Six. Oh, come on—one was an amateur porn site, and the other was Playgirl.com (see middle pic.) We can't expect these hotties to be monogamous! Cosmo—she of the "dirty, shocking things men want from you" headlines—is acting so uptight. But! The real weirdness comes from one of the 48 non-naked Hottest Bachelors. OF COURSE there's a Sarah Palin connection—it's Wasilla, Alaska's other Levi:
Cosmo, the sassy, sexy source of sex secrets he's too scared to tell you, is going to an incredible amount of effort to promote its August issue: the magazine is trying to break the Guinness World Record for "most people photographed on a beach in a bikini." The old record? 1,010 girls on a beach in Australia, set last year by... Cosmo! Good to see they have a hobby. They need 1,200 "chicks 18-34" to show up on Miami's South Beach next Friday, so start hitchhiking now! You'll get a free Old Navy bikini, "style to depend on available quantity and selection." Unfortunately swimsuit photos appeal primarily to straight men, who don't buy Cosmo anyways, so this is all a big waste of time. After the jump, photos of the last record, which is still perfectly good and pointless if you ask us:
Cosmopolitan honored singer/paparazzi fucker-with John Mayer as their top "Fun, Fearless Male" of the year today. Yes, he is fun in a "nice guy from your high school who became sort of an ass when he went to Hamilton and realized he could get girls" kinda way. But fearless? Upon what criteria is this most noble of titles based? Looking at some of the other honorees, it could be one simple thing: dating Jessica Simpson.
Cosmo recently unveiled some video games on its website that it hopes will prove irresistible to the legions of young women who turn to them for advice about what to do when their vaginas get sparkly. But one of them, "Boy Toy," is so moronic that we think you would have to be mid-lobotomy to get any sort of entertainment value out of it.
- In an interview with the Guardian, Conrad Black calls his fraud trial "bullshit" and announces that he's at war with the U.S. government. The paper also has an excerpt from Black's forthcoming biography of Richard Nixon, which praises the former president's "surpassing dignity." Read into that what you will. [Guardian]
The Wall Street Journal reports today that Hearst's partnership with gaming company Arkadium will soon result in a game at Seventeen.com called "Editor's Assistant," wherein you're the assistant to new 'Toos replacement Ann Shoket and you have to complete "certain tasks" to win. But that's not even as cool as the game that's planned for Cosmpolitan.com: to win "Boy Toy," players will control a virtual man's attempts to "keep his girlfriend satisfied." How lezzie! And how downmarket!