Cool Pope Probably Not a Trump Supporter

Hamilton Nolan · 02/15/16 01:15PM

Cool Pope “Francis” (a rap name), a Catholic man that religious people must pretend to respect, continues his irksome habit of making public statements that do not comport with the official positions of Republican presidential candidates.

Capitalist Babies Lash Out at Pope in the Most Capitalist Way Possible

Hamilton Nolan · 09/21/15 08:49AM

Cool Pope “Francis” (a pseudonym) has said some things in the past that could be interpreted as less than completely enthusiastic about the predations of unrestrained capitalism. That bastard. The plutocrats will show him he’s wrong—the capitalist way!

Cool Pope to Allow Women Who Have Had Abortions into Heaven (For One Year)

Kelly Conaboy · 09/01/15 02:21PM

Cool Pope Francis announced today that for one year only, the “Jubilee Year of Mercy,” coming to a soul in you on December 8, priests may forgive contrite women who have had an abortion. “Couldn’t they already do that?” you might be wondering. Hey, guess what—NO!!!!

Hamilton Nolan · 07/10/15 08:40AM

Cool Pope “Francis” (a nickname) in a speech yesterday “called the unfettered pursuit of money ‘the dung of the devil.’” Damn—now that’s a cool Pope.

Let the Pope Eat Carbs

Allie Jones · 04/02/15 11:57AM

Pope Francis longs for many things in life, surely: World peace, the Parousia, the latitude to say that women can be know, stuff like that. The one thing he wants for himself? Pasta. And now Vatican doctors are telling him he can’t have it, because he’s gained a little weight since moving to Italy.

Cool Pope Just Making Stuff Up About Heaven Now

Hamilton Nolan · 12/12/14 09:55AM

It is becoming increasingly clear that Cool Pope "Francis" (a nickname)—though he is certainly cool and wacky and generally chill—is just making stuff up as he goes along. Do dogs go to heaven? Sure, why not?