For most people, Sasha and Malia Obama's spiritless appearance at this year's White House turkey pardon was a lesson about humility, showing how even the world's most powerful man is still just "ugh, Dad" to his teenage daughters. But one Republican House staffer saw something else entirely: two girls dishonoring America with their slutty clothes and brazen teen-ery.
For many crypto-Marxist Americans, ragging on Republicans is a cherished pastime, but what do we really know about our conservative brothers and sisters? For instance, what even are Republicans? According to a new ad campaign by consulting firm Glass House Strategies, Republicans are people, primarily the kind that pose for stock photos.
James Foley was courageous, and his murder by an apparently English-accented zealot of the Syria-based Islamic State was so horrific that no simple narrative can do it justice. Unless, that is, you're a conservative political opportunist of a special sort, eager to pin the crime on liberal policies.
The first question for Victoria Jackson—Saturday Night Live alum, candidate for county commissioner—was about traffic improvements. "I don't know all of the specific details, she said, "but I'm worried about my country and so I jumped into the local government to try to help save it from socialism."
Michael Peroutka is a former candidate for president of the United States. He's currently running as a Republican for a council seat in Anne Arundel County, Maryland. Around 1:55 in the video above, watch him grab a guitar, ask everyone to "stand for the national anthem," and start belting out "Dixie."
You may have noticed that we have a school shooting problem. Well, not according to the NRA. But if we did have a school shooting problem, the NRA has a plan: Create "gun-required zones" and gun-welfare programs, and make weapons training "necessary to advance to the next grade" for Sally and Timmy.
No one will beat Andrew Thomas. I mean, yes, he will likely lose the race for Arizona governor, and lose very badly. But when it comes to xenophobic pearl-clutching blabber about booting "illegals" and cowing gay liberals, Thomas is a master race unto himself.
If you're a Republican running for Congress in Arizona, you've really got to go that extra mile to prove your cred, or at least a couple hundred feet tailing a school bus filled with migrant children as you lament the invasion of America. Just be sure they're not really summer campers from the local Y.