The next time you get caught doing something you shouldn't (stealing food off a friend's plate, coveting thy neighbor's wife, etc.) one way you could try to get out of it is by opening your eyes really wide and yelling "Oh, what, what time is it, where am I, oh, man, I was asleep, bro, I was fast asleep and I just woke up and found myself here doing something I shouldn't – what happened?"
Charla Nash, the woman whose face and hands were ripped off by a friend's pet chimpanzee, is trying to sue the state of Connecticut. She claims that Governor Dannel P. Malloy — who was mayor of Stamford when the chimp first escaped in 2003 — knew about the danger and didn't do anything to prevent the attack.
UConn, America's foremost institution of sports riots and male rage, is in uproar after student-run (and student-funded) television network UCTV aired a sketch comedy segment that depicted a crying girl using a blue-light phone while fleeing a possible rapist. As she attempts to escape, the robotic blue-light voices call her a "cock gobbler," a "stinky bitchy," a "blonde bitch," and a "howler monkey bitch" who is "crying rape." The sketch ends with the girl falling to the ground after her attacker strangles her in a dark parking lot.
The voters of Derby, Connecticut thought they were voting James R. Butler to a second term as head of the town's Board of Apportionment and Taxation, which oversees the budget. But someone on the Democratic Town Committee put the candidate's name down as James J. Butler — which happens to be the name of James R.'s 46-year-old son. Well, the good news is that James J. won! But the bad news is that he has no interest in politics, and voters thought they were voting for his 72-year-old father. Now no one has any idea what to do next.
Charla Nash, the Connecticut woman who miraculously survived a vicious attack by her neighbor's pet chimpanzee (his name was Travis!?) back in 2009 but lost her face and hands, has given her first interview since undergoing a face transplant earlier this year. In interviews she gave before her operation, she wore a veil to cover her face. Now she doesn't have to do that anymore, and she's relieved. "I just know that it's okay...and I don't have to worry about scaring anyone," she says during the interview, which the New York Post reports will be shown tonight on Channel 5 in the UK. She says she was "disappointed" that an attempt to replace her hands wasn't successful, but hopes that maybe another try will work out in the future. What a brave and inspiring woman.
It does not seem like a question of whether retiring Sen. Joe Lieberman will support a Republican in the race for his Senate seat, but which Republican he will support. Which one would annoy Democrats, the people he represented as a United States vice presidential candidate in 2000, the absolute most? This is a call he cannot afford to get wrong. Joe Lieberman is on the eve of great decisions.
Dissent is in the air in America! Even behind bars, the people are rising up against oppression. In Connecticut, prisoners have begun a letter-writing campaign to defend their right to own "pictorial depictions of sexual activity or nudity," otherwise known as Pornographic Magazines. Letters today! Hunger strikes tomorrow!
cops were injured by "friendly fire" while trying to apprehend a child pornography suspect while he attended a midnight screening of the most recent Harry Potter movie. There are so many inappropriate "wand" jokes to make right now.
Connecticut became the 13th state to decriminalize marijuana on Tuesday with the passage of new legislation in the House of Representatives. Possession of less than a half-ounce of pot will garner you a $150 fine (one that increases with subsequent offenses); if you're under 21, you'll get a two-month suspension of your driver's license. Connecticut could save some $885,000 in court costs and attorney salaries, and make as much as $1.4 million in fines and fees, not to mention the obvious economic benefits for convenience stores. [Hartford Courant; image, of a Connecticut State Police officer removing a pot plant in 1996, via AP]