There are many awful things that should await criminals: years in jail, solitary confinement, public humiliation, possibly execution (if you believe in that kind of thing), and rotting for eternity in hell (if you believe that kind of thing). But there is one that I'm sick of hearing about: prison rape.
This week I was going to give everyone the ax who has a star but has yet to upload an avatar but, well, we haven't been showing avatars for days now. The tech team is working on it, I assure you, and while we wait I figured we'd focus on a few people who've engaged in one of my least favorite pet peeves.
You ever go to a party and there is that one person who seems to piss off absolutely everyone he talks to? He doesn't stop talking, he just goes from group to group looking to start fights and get as much negative attention as he can muster? Well, we have one of those, and it's time he got kicked out of the party.
Do you like the new site design? The black? I think it's lovely. Reminiscent of DEATH. This is step 1 in my plan to turn Gawker into Jack Ketch's Blog of Commenter Executions and Pictures of Medieval Siege Weaponry. It's a new direction for the site, but think of the pageview counts when Gawker is the number 1 result for "Trebuchet" Google searches! None of this is true, really. I actually have no power. Which should be obvious, as most of my victims just return a few days later and continue the schtick they died for in the first place. It's a hard life, but a just one. After the jump, you shall find a few more victims to mourn until they return in 5 hours.
From our official Commenter Executioner, Jack Ketch: See the title? Get it? Because it's Friday the 13th and now you are dead! I was going to start this post with a history of Friday the 13th, why it's considered unlucky, and what a typical English Friday the 13th consisted of in my time. But then I realized I don't know anything about this day, and have been living here in the future for so long that I'm basically a lazy, ignorant, and slovenly American by this point. I can't even be bothered to write my posts in old timey English. I'll probably have to execute myself soon. So, it's Friday the 13th, which is bad if bad things happen to you today. Look both ways before crossing the street, don't stand near out of order elevator shafts, and make sure to wear your hat really low if you go wilding. They have cameras everywhere now. Fucking cameras. Let us jump, and please be careful not to slip, to the fun part.
Hey, hey, hey! It's time for some people to calm the fuck down... Abbe Diaz. I don't care who you are or what you've published—this kind of ad hominem, personal commenting-attack won't be tolerated here, because it's unintelligent and immature. And also, because I said so. The monkeys may be running the zoo here—but luckily, I'm one of them. That's all.