Unless you have young sons, you might not be aware that circumcision is on a downward trend, and that the anti-circumcision lobby is gaining ground. Not your problem? Well, it turns out that this issue is suddenly of relevance to everyone: Foreskins are the latest tool in the fight against aging, and we're going to need a constant fresh supply!
Are you an extremely plugged-in Jewish business magnate whose newborn son needs his foreskin removed stat? Pull the right strings and you may be able to retain the mohel services of Lev Leviev, the Uzbekistan-born diamond/real estate/chemicals baron who clocked in as Forbes' 210th richest person in the world this year. The scalpel-brandishing billionaire, who insanely opted to circumcise his first son himself despite never having performed a circumcision before, is now apparently open to snipping others' kids: this Sunday he'll be in town to perform a bris on the son of Zina Sapir, the daughter of real estate mogul Tamir Sapir, and Rotem Rosen, the CEO of Leviev's holding company Africa Israel. In addition to currying favor with Leviev, the Sapir-Rosens will enjoy the added benefit of saving a little scratch: Leviev's doing the deed pro bono whereas the average bris runs about $350. Given all the woes besetting the Sapir family's Trump Soho development, every penny helps.
Blogging away over at HuffPo, author Erica Jong uses the joyous occasion of her grandson's bris today to complain about how he'll grow up with an Asian fetish and end up marrying Sandra Oh. No, seriously. Because they are going to cut off little Darwin's foreskin, he will become obsessed with big-titted chiksas. And black ladies! "Either they marry you and run around with Diana Ross or Beyonce or Naomi Campbell," Jong explains, "or they marry Sandra Oh or Lisa Liu or Yoko Ono and she converts." G-d forbid! All because they're still obsessed with how, when they were a couple days old, a scary old man took a scissors to their manhood. Someone's bitter! And basically awesome! (Jong, who married an Asian man many moons ago, knows from what she speaks.) [HuffPo]
Yesterday, news broke that the circumcision rate in the US was the lowest it's ever been, with some states' rates hovering below 50%. Experts attribute the drop to immigration, as well as changing attitudes about breastfeeding, the increase in natural births, and a growing antipathy towards inflicting pain on babies because of some 'covenant with God' bullshit. (Well, or just the first three.) We clearly feel strongly about not cutting skin off little infant wangs, and also we think uncut dicks are cuter, but we weren't sure how everyone else felt. So we asked a handful of sluts, a gay and a heterosexual Jew.
Salon's got an excerpt of Neal Pollack's Alternadad up, and as is their wont, they've published the section in which Pollack debates whether or not to circumcise his son. In it, we learn that he's got a bit of a mommy complex and that he and his wife neglected to discuss circumcision until the week before their son was born. He's also, kindly, provided us with a lovely description of circumcision, in case you were curious:
It was with a tear in our eyes, and a drop of blood on our lips, that we read of the retirement party for State Health Commissioner Antonia Novello. You'll recall that Novello was the one who paved the way for the Hasids of New York State to continue their lovely tradition of sucking the blood off a newly circumcised penis, thereby transmitting herpes to at least seven young lads who had the privilege of having their first blow jobs at the tender age of eight days. If you're interested in attending Novello's farewell fete, $50 gets you in the door and allows you the opportunity to contribute to her farewell gift. We'd like to suggest a lifetime supply of Valtrex, donated in her name to the Hasidic children of the Empire State.
Because we know you can't get enough information about penises and the surgical mutilation thereof, we direct you to this Slate piece, which provides everything you need to know about how to perform an adult circumcision. Seems that deforeskinning an adult dong is a touch more difficult than slicing up a baby wang: There are tiny hats that fit newborn weens, but no such cock chapeau exists for the adult member (unless you're Indian). In any event, the article mentions three techniques from making your John Thomas a tad more aesthetically pleasing to those who prefer their love pumps to look a little less like they're dressed for inclement weather: the "guided forceps," the "dorsal slit," and the "sleeve resection." Click through if you must; we're going to spend the next hour or so with our legs crossed, shivering.
In our ongoing quest to bring you the most up-to-date circumcisional developments, we bring you the latest on the controversial Hasidic Jewish circumcision practice—you know, the one where the mohel (aka foreskin-chopper) actually sucks the circumsee's wee-wee to make sure there are no traces of blood left, which has resulted in several cases of neonatal herpes from infected holy men's lips. Anyway, seems as though the New York State Health Commissioner, Antonia Novello, may have deliberately understated the risks of the procedure so that her boss, Gov. Pataki, could curry favor with Orthodox Jewish voters. The infected children were not, alas, consulted.