In a time older than dirt, before kids carried $500 worth of sext computers in their pockets, my mom always used to drop me off at the same place at the "snooty mall" when she did Christmas shopping. Big department stores would have a couch, grand piano and Christmas tree, and I'd sit with a book, waiting until she came back, listening to Christmas carols and the occasional wise-guy pianist playing something from Looney Tunes.
A special message for you Christmas celebrators: This year, when using your helicopter to set up and decorate your tree, try not to fly close to any structures. Otherwise, your propellers might get caught and cause you to have a crash in which you die. That would ruin Christmas!
Let's call it the Rich Uncle Pennybags debate. Tonight, Our Losers will square off in their first presidential debate in weeks, hosted by CNBC. It promises to be a banner night for plutocrats, and is intended to focus entirely on economic issues — specifically, how to stop the War on Wealth. What horrors await?
We know in-laws suck, but that's no reason to debase their memories by swatting their urns with coniferous evergreens! Sure is funny, though.
If you insist on chopping down your own Christmas tree this year, make sure it's not going to fall on and crush your home.