Hamilton Nolan · 04/19/16 01:20PM

Research shows that Chobani yogurt ads served to people searching on Yahoo for “yogurt-related terms” did indeed result in them buying more Chobani. Imagine a human pathetic enough to use the worst search engine and eat the worst Greek yogurt. What a vile and disheartening tableau.

Bad Yogurts Battle Viciously as Good Yogurts Float High Above the Fray

Hamilton Nolan · 01/11/16 04:29PM

As a connoisseur of fine yogurt, you can approach life in one of two ways: get bogged down in the muck of inferior yogurt trench warfare, or you can put on your headphones and settle in with some quality yogurt—because brother, life is too short for bad curdles.

Hamilton Nolan · 06/30/15 11:15AM

Bad yogurt manufacturer Chobani will be the official Greek yogurt provider for America’s federal school lunch program. Appropriate. For children, Chobani; for adults, Fage; and for society’s most respected heroes, Noosa. Don’t waste the good stuff on kids.

Hamilton Nolan · 05/18/15 10:32AM

Hamdi Ulukaya, the recently demoted CEO of garbage yogurt company Chobani, is now focusing his efforts on “developing new products like Flips, a yogurt with toppings on the side.” The only way that could be a more blatant ripoff of Fage would be if Chobani also tasted good.

Yogurt's Biggest Monster Is Being Deposed--High Five

Hamilton Nolan · 01/05/15 09:26AM

If you hear lovers of delicious and nutritious yogurt exclaiming "Ding dong!" this morning, you may follow up by exclaiming "The witch is dead!" The king of inferior Greek yogurt has fallen from his curdled throne.

Hamilton Nolan · 10/15/14 10:05AM

Well, it's done: New York governor Andrew Cuomo has declared yogurt the "Official New York State Snack." Andrew Cuomo is little more than a dancing puppet for Chobani's chalky, curdled agenda. Disgusting and outrageous.

Dirty Politicians Wallow in the Pocket of Big Yogurt

Hamilton Nolan · 05/07/14 08:18AM

Shame on New York's dysfunctional state government: last night, in a disgusting display of favoritism for special interests, our State Senate attempted to hand the public's whole motherhumping life and legacy over to the forces of Big (Garbage) Yogurt.

Hamilton Nolan · 04/18/14 02:32PM

Garbage yogurt brand Chobani is planning to launch several new products this year, including desserts and dips. Maybe one of their new products will be "good yogurt."

Hamilton Nolan · 02/14/14 09:34AM

Not even the homeless and destitute people of America want to eat the second-class Chobani yogurt that's being donated to them after Russia rejected it as a gesture of peace. "They look at it and go, 'Eww.'"

Russia Kindly Bars Garbage Yogurt From the Olympic Area

Hamilton Nolan · 02/05/14 04:22PM

Russia may be run by an iron-fisted dictatorial tyrant who's using the Olympic games as his own personal tool to legitimize his corrupt and unjust reign. Sure. But that doesn't mean he needs to make things worse by allowing shitty yogurt to cross his borders.

Garbage Yogurts Face Off Over Which Is Less Garbagey

Hamilton Nolan · 01/20/14 02:57PM

The Yogurt Wars continue to descend to previously unimaginable depths of depravity. Now Yoplait is touting the fact that it is tastier than Chobani. Fine. Dog poop may be more toothsome than cow shit, but at least it has the decency not to crow about it.

Hamilton Nolan · 12/19/13 09:16AM

Whole Foods says it will stop selling bottom-of-the-milk-barrel Greek yogurt brand Chobani in order to make room for yogurts that "are organic, or don't contain genetically modified ingredients." Yeah. And that don't taste like paste. Please, eat the right kind of Greek yogurt in 2014.

Hamilton Nolan · 06/17/13 09:09AM

Chobani CEO Hamdi Ulukaya is called "the Steve Jobs of yogurt." Yeah, the Steve Jobs of garbage yogurt.