Americans Moving Exclusively to Shitholes

Hamilton Nolan · 03/14/13 03:52PM

The complete and total collapse of the global economy had at least one upside for Americans: it briefly stopped them from moving to brand new housing developments in hellish southwestern desert exurbs. Only for a few years though, alas. The great migration of Americans towards hot places their children will come to loathe is back on!

2043 Is the Date of America's Whitepocalypse

Hamilton Nolan · 12/13/12 01:00PM

The US Census Bureau, a government department whose primary function now is to scare elderly white people, has taken a look into the future, decades hence, and determined—using the science of mathematical projection—exactly when white folks will lose America.

Chicks Taking All the Good Jobs

Hamilton Nolan · 12/05/12 10:12AM

Enlightened men know that the old system in which the top professional fields were almost completely dominated by"good old boys" simply was not tenable. I mean, the whining alone, year after year... I don't have to paint you a picture. It was just common sense to allow a few more women into the legal and medical professions. Modernization, and all that. Posing for the company "Diversity" brochure. Tending to the legal and medical problems of poopy children. Things of that nature. But, my fellow men, I'm afraid that we have grown lax. Our patronizing offer of PR-inspired pseudo-equality has been getting out of hand.

Old People Now Living in Sin Also

Hamilton Nolan · 10/18/12 03:43PM

When we hear about unmarried young couples living together in sin, we're like "Sure, kids these days are living in sin, rejecting god, and fornicating nightly in Lucifer's glory, what else is new?" But now we hear that older couples are also living together in sin. Aren't you older couples old enough to know the teachings of Jesus, about not living in sin?

Caity Weaver · 08/14/12 05:39PM

US pop. reached pi x 100,000,000 today (314,159,265). In celebration, every American ate 100,000,000 pies ("the usual").

The Slumburbs of Our Future

Hamilton Nolan · 04/05/12 10:58AM

It is not hard to explain the prevailing demographic trends in America over the past decade or so: the inflating bubble caused Americans to rush further and further out into the far-flung suburbs in order to purchase homes, to live the American dream; construction and lending skyrocketed along the way; when the bubble burst, our nation was left with millions of homeowners stranded far, far out in the lonely exurbs, with homes they can't really afford, as the wealthy flee back into the cities. And now, we simply wait for the Slumburbs to flower, in all of their awful glory.

Government to Release Depressing Census Records From Great Depression

Louis Peitzman · 03/18/12 01:05PM

After 72 years of being kept confidential, the 1940 census will be released on April 2. This is exciting news for historians with an interest in the Great Depression and general census enthusiasts. Actually, it is kind of neat, and the records will be available to anyone online. You just can't search by name, in case you were hoping to dig up specific dirt on your great-grandparents.

People Don't Move Any More

Hamilton Nolan · 11/15/11 12:02PM

Used to be that people here in America would sometimes "move" themselves and their belongings from their present dwelling place to a new, different dwelling place. No more.

Whites Are Officially a Minority in Your City

Hamilton Nolan · 08/31/11 10:41AM

We're going to come right out and say it: our urban neighborhoods are being overrun by minorities, and they're ruining everything. Bushwick? Full of minorities. Bed-Stuy? Infested. Even Harlem. All ruined by hordes of minorities. (White people.)

The U.S. Census Declares the Gayest City in America

Brian Moylan · 08/22/11 04:32PM

According to data on same-sex couples released by the U.S. Census Bureau, the gayest city in these 50 states is, not surprisingly, Provincetown, Mass., the vacation spot of circuit boys, insane writers, and homosexuals who make a whole lot more money than any of us.

Majority of New American Babies Are Not White

Jim Newell · 06/23/11 01:42PM

What is up with the white people and their refusal to spawn these days? There is such a severe lack of pasty procreation that now, for the first time ever, the majority of new babies are being popped out by The Minorities. The white supremacists warned us about this, but nobody listened!

Fun With Census Statistics!

Seth Abramovitch · 05/26/11 02:52AM

The 2010 U.S. census figures have been released. The big picture, basically, is that men are living longer, marriage is downtrending, and the baby boom population is entering their twilight years.

Twitter Is as Big as America

Ryan Tate · 05/18/11 05:44PM

Twitter has completed its 300 millionth user registration, meaning its census nearly matches that of the entire United States. It's economic output, not so much.

America Is Moving South, Turning Hispanic

Hamilton Nolan · 04/15/11 04:05PM

What further nuggets of sociology-lite can be wrung from the trickle of data that continues to issue from the U.S. Census Bureau like so much pre-cum? Simply this: everyone's fleeing the frozen North and turning brown.

Barack Obama Can Just Ignore White Voters Now

Jim Newell · 04/01/11 03:09PM

Even when Democrats' fortunes tumble spectacularly in the short-term, the party can always remind itself that national demographic trends favor them in the end. Many, many old white people will die soon enough. This generation's youth voters are lopsidedly liberal. Meanwhile, Hispanics — who've voted strongly for Democrats in the last two elections after mainstream Republican rhetoric took a sharply nativist turn in 2007 — will occupy a larger and ever growing percentage of the American population. Throw in reliable support from 80-90% of African Americans, and the Democratic party could be dominant in the not-too-distant future.