We somehow missed this during our morning rounds, but the NY Daily News' Ben "Gatecrasher" Widdicombe reports that a third party is shopping around a sex tape made by longtime Paris Hilton accessory Kim Kardashian (who denies it exists) and an ex-boyfriend, asking anyone interested in obtaining the video to pony up a million dollars:
Glory-hole-inspecting sister site Fleshbot has selflessly subjected itself to the crimes against amateur celebrity pornography committed by opportunistic former Saved by the Bell star Dustin Diamond by reviewing Screeched, the "stolen" sex tape in which the actor supposedly lures a pair of stray bachelorette party revelers back to his motel room for an erotic adventure involving a bubble bath and the lighthearted defilement of a luck lady's upper lip with the feces of career-reviving desperation. The verdict? Unsurprisingly, the product is a letdown:
TMZ breaks the disappointing news that we'd long feared, but secretly dreaded deep in the dark part of our soul which cries out for shaky, handheld footage of the sexual congress of multimillionaire pop-star and poorly chosen, fortune-frittering househusband: There is no Britney Spears and Kevin Federline sex tape. The former couple reportedly will release a joint statement to that effect, hoping to finally squelch the constant rumors of its existence that would have eventually driven its imaginary street value over the $1 billion mark, forcing Spears and Federline to seriously consider reuniting long enough to shoot one and fulfill the astronomical demand.
Just when we thought it was safe to finally stop thinking about the newly single Britney Spears for a few hours and watch the election returns, an IM from one of our porn-surfing spies arrived, directing us to a clip claiming to be the "Britney Spears & K-Fed Sex Tape," a 19-second scene starring what appears to be Spears herself (or a pretty good Spears-a-like—it still looks like her, even after dozens and dozens of viewings) enthusiastically administering a hearty hummer to her unseen then-househusband. Given the timing of the appearance of the footage, we assume that it's a highlight from the divorcing couple's rumored connubial sex production that a judge today ruled couldn't possibly hurt Spears' reputation, given that the pop-tartlet's brand is built on openly trading on her "modern sexuality." We may wake up to an inbox full of debunking messages, but for now, the video's conspicuously prominent title makes us think that we might soon be introduced to a website (like this one) hawking a product that finally shows us what Chaotic could have been had talent-hostile UPN not shortsightedly prevented the duo from thoroughly exploring the erotic possibilities of their handheld camerawork.
UPDATE: Filth-loving sister site Fleshbot is now proudly embedding the clip, in all its lusty, handjobbing glory.
A crucial, if not always enthusiastically embraced, part of our jobs is reading the occasional, anonymously proffered e-mail (in this case, one actually from "Joe Anon") titled NEW SEXTAPE and following the provided links to a hastily designed Tripod site, where we must then grudgingly evaluate the self-published claims of surreptitiously obtained footage of a famous person engaged in a sex act that they'd rather not be seen by the public. Normally, we might have dismissed the story told on Scenes from a Car as an outright hoax, but in a world where former Saved by the Bell stars can pretend they have nothing to do with the release of amateur pornography involving their fecal besmirching of some tragically underpaid accomplices, all things are possible in the sex tape game. And so even though it might bear an uncomfortable similarity to a cherished, apocryphal (we assume) story about a still-mic'd Sylvester Stallone getting oral favors in his trailer, we still pass along these nameless entrepreneurs' claim to have proof of what receiving fellatio from a "seven-figure-per-film" actress sounds like, for your investigative/debunking/Friday-afternoon-jollies-obtaining pleasure:
"Sultan of Sleaze" David Hans Schmidt appeared on Howard Stern's radio show this morning to plug Dustin Diamond's own entry into an already crowded field of celebrity sex tapes featuring furry, squeaky-voiced children's television stars. Apparently, Diamond's previous boasts to Stern about his megalithic manhood were not exaggerated:
Ho to the hip-hop stars Karinne Steffans had no shortage of conquests to write about in her tell-all memoir, Confessions of a Super Vixen, but one in particular always stood out. Ironically, he was the unblingiest of all: Bill Maher. Feel free to reach for the sickness bag conveniently located behind your monitor as your mind fills in the naked-Maher-having-sex blanks:
The Colin Farrell sex tape has long faded into a tangle of unpleasant memories of shaky, handheld camerawork, crapulent leprechauns slurring out dirty talk, and repeatedly penetrated, desperate former Playmates, but today's Rush & Molloy column brings the welcome news that on Easter, Farrell, co-star Nicole Narain, and their respective legal teams sat down together and celebrated the holy day by spending five hours hashing out an "amicable settlement" for the tape and "completely resolve[d]" the situation. Farrell, however, will soldier on in his suit against the company that planned to distribute the video, selflessly championing the interests of all of us who were permanently scarred by our inability to resist watching the footage leaked to the internet early this year; perhaps he'll even share some of his eventual settlement money to help defray the cost of our therapy bills.
While we all might have liked to think that Nicole Narain's enthusiasm for the eventual, official release of her videotaped sexploits with Colin Farrell was rooted in nothing but an altruistic desire to share Farrell's camcorder-enabled expression of their physical relationship with the public, The Smoking Gun has uncovered a document that attaches a more crass motivation for her consent: a shitload of money. Narain stands to reap a $3 million advance (she's apparently been guaranteed $100K no matter the outcome) from distributor ICG should Farrell's lawsuit to keep the video from being released fail. ICG must be expecting an absolute avalanche of demand, given that the amount of Narain's generous advance could easily be eclipsed by a class-action penalty awarded to curious fans whose every subsequent sexual encounter is ruined by the tumescence-melting auditory memory of a filthy leprechaun narrating each thrust with disturbing enthusiasm.
We're relieved to see that proper celebrity sex tape protocol is being followed in the Kid Rock/Scott Stapp double-barrelled blowjob video situation, wherein the offending, contraband footage is shadily obtained by a mysterious "third party," teased with a preview clip on the internet, and then quickly suppressed by one of the famous parties' legal team. Rock's lawyers performed an incredibly valuable public service yesterday by obtaining a temporary order to stop the sale or distribution of the video, a crucial first step towards ensuring that none of us ever get to see Rock and frequently leather-panted former Creed singer Stapp being blown by a small team of strippers in a mobile home. It's bad enough that curiosity got the better of us and we submitted ourselves to the profound psychic scarring [SPOILER ALERT: Just stop reading here, you'll thank us later] of watching one of the girls kiss Stapp's nipple and hearing him arrogantly proclaim "It's good to be the king," a moment of sexual ruination arguably surpassed only by Fred Durst's infamous exhortation to his sex-tape partner to "touch my balls and my ass."
Fleshbot, Defamer's answer to the older, pervy brother who lends you his stack of Cheri magazines but then ruins it by insisting you tell him which pages got you off the most, has alerted us to the surfacing of that rarest of celebrity sex tape creatures, the two-headed breed. Don't get too, excited, though
the two celebrity heads in question belong to Kid Rock and newlywed/newly arrested ex-Creed frontman, and general fuck-up-about-town, Scott Stapp. Reports AVN:
Rush & Molloy do some explaining about the rapid coming-and-going of DirtyColin.com, the shady website that popped its head out of its unauthorized celebuporn hole to offer the Colin Farrell-Nicole Narain sex tape, and which may have been quickly hammered down by the Wack-a-Mole mallet of the onscreen couple's lawyers. According to the report, Farrell's camp seems suspicious of Narain, who wants to release the tape, while Narain's people are pissed mostly that they're not getting a cut of the site's sales:
In Los Angeles, legal action is swift when matters of videotaped images of a famous actor putting his penis into an obscure former Playmate are involved, as a judge issued a temporary restraining order yesterday in response to Colin Farrell's lawsuit against Nicole "Why Does No One Ever Mention My Role As 'Waitress' On Entourage? I'm Also An Actress" Narain. Huzzah! Justice herself has demurely cupped her hands around Farrell's genitals, temporarily shielding them from the public's greedy gaze. Now we can do nothing but wait for the mysteriously "hacked" hard drive, the viral internet dissemination of a three-minute version of Farrell's best performance since The Recruit, and the compulsive rinsing of our eyeballs with Drano after a fourth consecutive viewing of the clip. We've all been down the filthy little path through the dark heart of celebrity intercourse before.
Never ones to let us down, The Smoking Gun has posted the documents from Colin Farrell's lawsuit against his sex tape co-star, Nicole "I Am Now Three Thousand Times As Famous As I Was Last Week, Regardless Of How This Turns Out" Narain. There are six pages of tortured legalese for the curious to wade through, but we know that if you had the actual tape, you'd just fast-forward to the good parts, so we've excerpted the hottest passages for you:
After lengthy deliberations with his lawyers, agents, managers, publicists, and family priests, Colin Farrell has determined that widespread public consumption of a homemade video depicting his sweaty porking of a former Playmate would not, in fact, further his career as a mainstream leading man, and the actor (must we refer to him as a "hard-drinking, rabble-rousin' Irish scamp"? Yes, we must.) has finally filed a lawsuit against his sex tape co-star, Nicole Narain, in an attempt to suppress its release. Farrell's next legal action will likely be a joint suit against a bottle of whiskey and his penis, which he will allege "willfully and maliciously colluded to impair his abilities to make rational career decisions when in the presence of video recording equipment, a figure model who may one day be desperate for fame, and a Twister board slicked with Johnson & Johnson baby oil." The defendants in the second case will be found guilty of all charges.