The Defamer Simpson-Wentz Baby Name Generator

Seth Abramovitch · 11/21/08 05:07PM

Today brings the joyous news that late last night Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz became the proud parents of a baby boy named Bronx Mowgli Wentz—a brilliant choice, if for nothing else being so ridiculous as to be virtually mock-proof. Surely its crunchy-consonant jumble of New York boroughs and Jungle Book characters is worthy of some sort of celebration however, so we proudly present The Defamer Simpson-Wentz Baby Name Generator! As we have no coding skills, this is a very lo-fi generator that really makes you do all the work, but hey—it's more fun getting your hands dirty in the stupid-celebrity-baby-name mush, isn't it? No? OK.Here's how it works: You simply pick any NYC borough or neighborhood within that borough, add a Jungle Book character (you can select from a list here, or here, or if you're feeling too constrained, just pick any Disney protagonist of your liking), then affix the surname of an overexposed celebrity. We'll get you started: 1. DUMBO Toomai of the Elephants Hilton 2. Ozone Park Rikki-Tikki-Tavi Longoria Parker 3. Gowanus Chuchundra Banks Now what are you waiting for? Have at it! [Photo credit: Flickr]

Fatherhood Finds David Spade

Seth Abramovitch · 09/03/08 07:30PM

To all you naysayers out there who always insisted that David Spade would never find a nice girl, settle down, and fall right into life as a loving new dad, time to start eating some crow: Spade has accidentally impregnated a Playboy Playmate. So there!

Help Jason Lee Name Pilot Inspektor's New Sister

Kyle Buchanan · 08/22/08 07:20PM

Congratulations to My Name is Earl star Jason Lee and his girlfriend Ceren Alkac, who have helped to ring in "Celebrity Babymaking Month" with a brand-new baby girl of their very own. Fans of the actor may be wondering what Lee named the child, since Lee already has a four-year-old son notoriously named Pilot Inspektor. And the answer is... we don't know! The rep for Lee gave no name to Us Weekly, and the magazine notes that when Lee last stopped by the Today show, he said he hadn't picked a moniker out yet. If you have suggestions for Lee, let them fly; frankly, we're partial to the names Skyhostess Oftomorrow, Driver Detektive, and Sukiyaki Western Django. [Photo Credit: AP]

Schoolyard Chants Of 'Rumer, Rumer, Big Hairy Tumor' Reveal Ugly Side Of Eccentric Celebrity Baby-Naming

Seth Abramovitch · 08/15/08 12:25PM

As if second-generation Hollywood underdog Rumer Willis doesn't have enough to contend with living in the long shadows of her dazzlingly successful biological parents and a stepfather three years her junior, there's also those little life-obstacles thrown at her that could have just as easily been avoided. To wit: her name, one of the earliest and most egregious examples of the eccentric-celebrity-baby-naming trend that gripped the industry in the '90s and has yet to show any signs of letting up. We point as evidence towards such recent additions to the Weird Celebrity Baby-Name Registry as Sunday Kidman-Urban, Honor Alba-Warren, Birdie Phillipps (daughter of Freaks and Geeks star Busy), and the unabashedly onomatopoeic Phlbbbbbbfffft Simpson, the not-yet-born offspring of mother Ashlee. From Page Six:

Matthew McConaughey Vs. Clay Aiken: A Study In Dad Contrasts

Seth Abramovitch · 08/08/08 01:39PM

Today brings the joyous news that ovary-shaking Idol demigod Clay Aiken has become a father to a healthy baby boy through the miracle of cutting edge fertilization techniques (the specs of how it was all accomplished are available here, if you care). In honor of this most improbable celebrity parenthood, we thought we'd compare and contrast Clay's siring achievement to that of another unlikely new dad, Matthew McConaughey:

Behold, The Chosen Blobs

Seth Abramovitch · 08/04/08 01:05PM

As we teased Friday, courtesy of the deep, deep pockets of the celebrity-baby-photo-crazy people at People, we bring you the first electronically captured and distributed images of The Chosen Blobs, the second and third genetically flawless products of Angelina Jolie's overtaxed loins. Similar in golden hue to their older sister—but providing twice the miraculous healing and war-ending properties—little Knox Léon and Vivienne Marcheline are pictured napping peacefully beneath their enraptured parents, cute enough to be devoured like two tiny, butter-poached escargots.

Yo, JCPenney: Eat. Our. Shorts.

Seth Abramovitch · 07/24/08 08:30PM

· You might catch this cherished-Breakfast Club-memory-despoiling ad for JCPenney before PG and PG-13 rated movies this weekend. Yes, you too can look like you just raided Barry Manilow's wardrobe! [creativity-online]
· Russell Brand was asked to host the MTV Video Music Awards in September, instantly elevating him to household who-the-fuck-is-that? status. [AP]
· Congratulations Marissa Jaret Winokur on giving birth to your first child, Zev Isaac Miller. (Which according to our Jew/Goy dictionary translates literally as "Levi Alves McConaughey.") [People]
· Here's video of Christian Bale telling a reporter to mind his own business. The transcript really didn't do it justice: He can even turn a simple "no comment" into a deeply involving, multi-act affair. [ETOnline]
· Why Never to Believe a Publicist, Chapter MMMDCCCXC: That little Kelsey Grammer chest-hiccup? His heart stopped completely: "They had to blast me twice and get me started all over again." [NY Times]

Behold And Be Stoked! The Young Prince McConaughey!

Seth Abramovitch · 07/23/08 02:30PM

We forwarded Matthew McConaughey's people your favorite suggestions of Bongo Romcom and Miller Chill, but it seems he chose to go the Old Timey Gold Prospector route, and named his son Levi Alves. The OK! magazine exclusive currently gracing Gelson's checkout aisles and 7-Eleven service counters reportedly netted McConaughey $3 million; paired with the earnings from his Beef Guild spots, this additional income allows the actor the freedom to pursue smaller passion projects like Surfer, Dude. Flanked on the cover by girlfriend Camila Alves and tiny, perfect Levi, McConaughey still manages to maintain sultry eye-contact with the camera, as if to say, "Yeah, I'm a dad. But I'm not dead. Catch my drift? Is anyone else's shirt chaffing them? Boy, I could sure go for a lobster roll. Is there a clam shack in the area?" McConaughey explained to the magazine how the delivery room was transformed into an flip-flop-devouring bongo-vortex:

French Hospital Forced To Cover Its Windows For 'Zat High-Maintenance Beetch' Angelina Jolie

Seth Abramovitch · 07/09/08 03:50PM

As we round the corner onto the 17th month of weist-loss guru Angelina Jolie's seemingly interminable pregnancy (we're picturing the twins refusing to come out until the winner of their marathon, inter-uterus Boggle tournament is finally determined), the AP brings us this photo taken outside the Lenval Hospital in Nice, where Jolie is currently checked in under the assumed name of "J. Aniston." In it, a hospital worker can be clearly seen applying some kind of top-secret, high-tech material, developed by scientists at France's struggling space program, that effectively prevents any photographers from capturing any member of the Jolie-Pitt clan on film. (Amazingly, anyone else who happens to be in the room develops just fine, resulting in eerie shots of a staff of nurses and doctors fussing over empty space.)

Freewheeling Infant Surfs Out Of Womb A Healthy Baby McConaughey

Seth Abramovitch · 07/08/08 11:45AM

Sexiest Beef-Pusher Alive Matthew McConaughey can strike "dabble in fatherhood" from his phonebook-thick bucket list, as his girlfriend has just birthed the actor's first child: a healthy son, with ten fingers, ten toes, but—in an unfortunate congenital defect which doctors reassure will have no bearing on the child's quality of life—only one, tiny flip-flop. From the Reuters report:

Ali Lohan Zit Crisis Exclusive!

Seth Abramovitch · 07/07/08 08:30PM

· We're thrilled to see that E! is perfectly prepared to throw their First Family of Reality under the bus if it means getting a pretty inspired sketch on the air. [Chelsea Lately]
· Nicole Kidman delivered a beautiful girl today named Sunday Rose Kidman Urban. Her birthing canal was then swiftly Botoxed back to its original state. [Reuters]
· When we heard the title, "Molly Ringwald on Molly Ringwald," we figured we were in for some brat-packer-themed porn (à la Pretty in the Pink). Sadly, there is no Molly-on-Molly action to be had here, but cheap thrills abound nonetheless. [LAT]
· Speaking of John Hughes heroines: Ever wonder what happened to Curly Sue? Wonder no more! [MySpace via Too Much Awesome]
· Hey, kids! What time is it?! [ffffound.com]

Chosen Blobs Won't Crown For 'Weeks,' Says France's Sexiest Celebrity Obstetrician

Seth Abramovitch · 07/02/08 11:02AM

Twice now, we've dangled before you the magnificent prospect of Angelina Jolie delivering two more blob-angels to her growing lineage. Both stories turned out to be wrong—the last of which left us so disappointed, we found ourselves tormented by anxiety nightmares on the topic. (One particularly harrowing scenario involved the Wanted star in stirrups as she shot out two genetically flawless newborns, who somehow managed to curve around a suspended pig carcass and land gently in adjoining cribs on the far side of the room.) In any case, it appears we are inching towards some perfect-baby-making resolution here:

Angelina Gives Birth! For Real This Time! Or Not! Don't Ask Us! We Just Work Here!

Seth Abramovitch · 07/01/08 12:35PM

A little over a month ago, typically dependable celebrity-water-breaking newssource ET reported that Angelina Jolie had birthed conjoined-lifemate Brad Pitt's second batch of genetic progeny. But just as the world prepared to deliver a thunderous "Hazzah!" for Chosen Ones Numbers 2 through 3, the story was debunked, and a low moan of disappointment rolled across the land. Still, she can't hold on to those little messiahs forever—they'll eventually want out. In fact, one French publication called Closer (a brief look at their website suggests they cater to that lesser-sophisticated segment of France's population who demand access to exclusive photos of Really Skinny Colin Farrell) claims they are already here! From HuffPo:

Breaking! Jamie Lynn Spears Completes Circle Of White Trash Life

Seth Abramovitch · 06/19/08 11:40AM

We can now joyfully report that Jamie Lynn Spears, 17-year-old sister to Britney and an accomplished children's TV star in her own right, has delivered her first child at Mississippi Southwest Regional Medical Center in McComb, Us reports. It's a healthy girl, named Maddie, weighing in at 7 lbs., 11 ounces. New-Spears-Family-Member fun facts after the jump!

Vin Diesel: From Duck Addict To Dad

Seth Abramovitch · 06/06/08 07:00PM

Sure, things may seem to have gotten quiet on the Vin Diesel front, but that doesn't mean Hollywood's Biggest Action Hero Bargain hasn't been keeping busy. He's currently shooting The Fast and the Fourious, the third sequel to the street-racing-movie franchise to which he once swore he'd never return. (His legendary kiss-off speech, climaxing with, "Pimp my balls! The only movie I'm interesting in making stars an army of elephants and costs eleventy billion dollars!" is required reading for USC's From A to Z-List: A Survey of Movie Star Hubris class.) Even more exciting? People reports Diesel is a new dad:

Inspiring 'People' Cover Has All Of America Wondering Who Ex-Crankhead Jodie Sweetin Is

Seth Abramovitch · 06/05/08 02:40PM

As we mentioned yesterday, the cover of the current issue of People magazine bears the image of Jodie Sweetin—famous for being a former meth addict, star of Full House, and host of a waist-down exotic dancing competition, in that order—holding proof positive of a God that believes in second chances: Zoie, her 7-week-old baby daughter. (Who, contrary to an erroneous rumor floating around the internet, was not named for a two-headed pygmy rabbit who'd frequently appear after several sleepless nights on the pipe, offering Sweetin companionship and life coaching whenever it could.)