Jack Lew, Obama's current chief of staff and his reported choice to replace Timothy Geithner as Treasury Secretary, is known for a lot of things – the New York Times says he's a "fiscal progressive" with "fiscal expertise" and a "low-key style," whatever any of that means – but that's not what we're here to discuss; instead let's talk about his signature, which will soon grace all new dollar bills.
With people scraping together pennies for Kool-Aid, all ads harping on the hard times we're having, and coupons making a comeback, things are getting a little stressful for you, the good ol' American consumer. Well, how would you like some Free Cash? Would you? Would you? Would you do anything? Anything at all? Well shake that ass and empty that wallet, consumers, cause corporate America is making it rain! Cash giveaways are the new advertising trend, according to advertising trendwatcher- in-chief Stuart Elliott. Sweepstakes and cash prizes are a paltry sum for big companies, but for The Poors that now make up 87% of our nation, they're the only thing standing between them and cannibalism. The most ironic contest is CNBC.com's Portfolio Challenge, with a $1 million prize for building a successful mock portfolio. If you can build a successful portfolio these days, you're worth a lot more than that.
Breaking news guys. Take your wallet out, find a five. See that green hue? It's about to change. In fact, everything about how we exchange goods and services in five dollar increments is changing. The new $5 bill will be purple. Look, US Mint, American money is green and I don't care if that's made our money easy to counterfeit. Our greenbacks make me proud to be an American. Have you even seen the fruity bills they use in other countries? And don't get me started about the dollar coin. Look, if I wanted my change to be worth more than 8 minutes on the dryer, I'd move to Canada. [Reuters]