This Is What Happens When You Tell Your Kids You Ate Their Candy

Sarah Hedgecock · 11/05/13 12:08PM

Who doesn't love making kids scream (and maybe cry a little) on Halloween? In Jimmy Kimmel's third annual exercise in being mean to small humans, children everywhere were told all their trick-or-treating loot had been consumed by their parents—who taped the reactions and uploaded them to YouTube. The responses range from a heartfelt "I hate you!" to, well, more of the same. Admit it. You'd react the same way.

Blessed Be Halloween, America's Only Honest Holiday

Ken Layne · 10/31/13 10:06AM

Halloween digs itself out of the chilly autumn ground for a few weeks each year, too weird and primal for governments or religions to claim. It is an ancient pagan harvest festival and a leering plastic skeleton in a front-yard cemetery of styrofoam tombstones. It is candy and liquor, sex and death, and the only "moral lesson" of Halloween is a sneering threat from a child in the night: Give me mine or you'll get yours, mister. It is the only honest American holiday.

Texas Company Releases Breast Milk-Flavored Lollipops

Taylor Berman · 06/04/13 08:59PM

If you're looking for a candy to remind you of (very early) childhood or if you're just into weird foods, here you go: A Texas-based candy company released a breast-milk-flavored lollipop on Monday night.

Hamilton Nolan · 01/08/13 03:15PM

Butterfinger candy bars are 90 years old. Who knew that chemical engineering was that advanced in 1923?

Black Licorice Tastes Like Lead, Also Is Full of Lead

Caity Weaver · 08/23/12 06:10PM

Black licorice is a decorative material, the primary purpose of which is to create dark and winding roads leading up to gingerbread homes at Christmastime. Sadly, millions of Americans accidentally ingest it each year.

U.S. Border Patrol Busts American Citizens for Attempting to Smuggle Illegal Candy from Canada

Taylor Berman · 07/18/12 09:06PM

Seattle residents Brandon Loo and Christopher Sweeney were on their way back from a trip to Vancouver when U.S. Border agents searched their car and, after finding illegal contraband, detained the two for several hours. The contraband? Kinder Eggs, which are chocolate eggs with toys in the center. The candies are banned in the U.S. because they, like every other candy in the world, contain "a non-nutritive object."

What Your Halloween Candy Says About You

Brian Moylan · 10/25/11 03:46PM

When the hordes of little tykes dolled up like Dora the Explorer and Spider-Man and whatever other licensed character costumes their parents bought for them at Target show up at your door this Halloween, know that you are being judged. No, it's not on your costume or your synced light show on your house. They're judging you on the treats you put in their bags.

Sexist, Racist Ad Also Extremely Literal

Hamilton Nolan · 06/28/11 09:15AM

Dissecting the various psychological and socieconomic strands that make up today's sophisticated modern advertising campaigns is no easy task, but we'll give it our best shot. In this ad out of India (click to enlarge) for Lotte Choco Caramel With Mango Inside, the choco-caramel-colored pregnant maid represents the Choco Caramel With Mango Inside. The happily leering mango is pleased that his mango sperm has been "inside" the choco caramel, and will be again soon, by the looks of it. Probably via rape. This scenario makes people want to purchase the candy in question.

Why We Should Arm Police With Lollipops

Max Read · 04/23/11 04:00PM

Confronted with a 6'4", 350-pound "agitated mentally disturbed" man wielding a razor and, apparently, a broom, police in Macon, Ga. used a handful of lollipops to subdue the subject, offering them as bargaining chips in exchange for the man relinquishing the razor and allowing himself to be handcuffed. We therefore support arming police officers everywhere with lollipops, attached to their utility belts in small lollipop-bags, for use in violent confrontation. As the saying goes, "you subdue more huge violent men with lollipops than with vinegar, or guns." [Macon Telegraph; image via Shutterstock]