Which Presidential Candidates Have Suffered Brain Damage?

Ashley Feinberg · 11/19/15 11:01AM

It’s a widely accepted fact that the current lineup of candidates for president of the United States consists mainly of self-obsessed clowns and/or displaced SNL parodies of historical tyrants. But—what if it wasn’t entirely their fault?

Adam Weinstein · 05/20/14 11:59AM

According to a new poll, here are a list of qualities that would convince Americans not to vote for a candidate, from least to most offensive: used marijuana; is gay or lesbian; in their 70s; had an extramarital affair; has never held office; is an atheist.

Congressional Candidate's Aide Comes Home to Dead Cat with 'Liberal' Scrawled on Its Side

Jim Newell · 01/23/12 03:04PM

Jake Burris, campaign manager for Arkansas 3rd District congressional candidate Ken Aden, returned home with his family last night and found their cat lying dead on the front porch with "LIBERAL"scrawled across its side. The cat, according to Aden's campaign, "had one side of its head bashed in to the point the cat's eyeball was barely hanging from its socket." You can view the somewhat disturbing photo here. (You can't make out the bashed-in head or danging eyeball, fortunately.)

A Dreary Look Back at Jon Huntsman's Failed Presidential Campaign

Jim Newell · 01/16/12 12:23PM

It's a tearful day in the world of cosmopolitan magazines and television studios, as the infamously sane Republican presidential candidate Jon Huntsman has dropped out of the race, due to a near-total void of interest in his campaign among Republican primary voters. How did this relatively competent-seeming person lose his support so dramatically? Well, he didn't; he never had any support. So let's remember his anemic campaign with a gallery of some funny photos and ludicrous screen shots.

Prepare for Newt Gingrich's Greatest Display of Self-Destruction Yet

Jim Newell · 01/04/12 04:30PM

Newt Gingrich never got to complete his political career. He only lasted as Speaker of the House, a job he'd successfully wrangled after plotting his path for a psychotic 14 years, for a couple of terms, the latter half of which he spent as an incompetent figurehead. He was reprimanded and fined for ethics violations and forced out of power by the House Republican majority he'd brought to power for the first time in half a century.

After Not Thinking About It Much at All, Rick Perry Will Stay

Jim Newell · 01/04/12 01:31PM

Adorable Texas bigot Rick Perry quickly decamped to the forests of his home state last night to "reassess" his campaign, which is usually what you'd say when you're dropping out but need a couple of days to raise cash and pay off the bills. But Rick Perry is clearly too insane to concentrate on such things for more than a few minutes, so he's already made up his mind and decided to stay in the race. He announced this via Twitter, with a classic "Rick Perry Photo," and without really teling anyone. Good form, Perry! The dream will never die.

Live: The Iowa Caucuses

Jim Newell · 01/03/12 08:02PM

Well here we are, first voting night of the presidential season, and CNN is already completely insane, playing with ludicrous pastel penis holograms while Wolf Blitzer meanders around looking for some anxious correspondent to appear on a garish outer space screen and say nothing. Only in Iowa!...?? Let's get this over with.

Rick Perry Hates Abortion More Than Ever, After Watching a Movie

Jim Newell · 12/28/11 12:37PM

Rick Perry is still trying to convince Iowa voters that he's the most socially conservative candidate this godforsaken planet has ever seen, in his last ditch-attempt to get anyone to vote for him. We all remember when he was like, why are gays in the military when something something children Christmas Jesus? Then he pounced on his wife, putting her in her place. And now he's announcing that he's upgraded his anti-abortion club membership, after watching a movie about ladies.

Gary Johnson Will Run for Top Republican Screwer-Overer

Jim Newell · 12/21/11 12:55PM

Former New Mexico Gov. Gary Johnson has dropped out of the Republican presidential race. He rarely ever polled above 8 — people, not percentage points. He made a popular Rush Limbaugh joke about doggie poop during one of the two debates in which he appeared. He took his shirt off for the papers and rode a bike. He courted pagans, online gamblers, and other knaves. And now he will run for the Libertarian party nomination, and maybe decide the presidential election.

Newt Gingrich's Collapse Arrives Ahead of Schedule

Jim Newell · 12/19/11 01:23PM

Alright, it was cute when Republican base trolled us with the Trump, Bachmann, Perry, and Cain surges and collapses (surglapses, we'll call them, or perhaps anti-boners), but throwing Newt Gingrich onto the heap of other Potemkin candidates after he was leading by 20 points everywhere like a week ago, this late in the process, is cruel.

Donald Trump's Totally Believable Excuse for Quitting His Own Debate

Jim Newell · 12/13/11 03:10PM

After every Republican presidential candidate except Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum dropped out of his debate, chronic mango-lacquered television ailment Donald Trump has decided to drop the whole thing. But "near-total lack of interest from the invitees," you won't be surprised to learn, is not the reason he gives. He is suddenly concerned about conflicts of interest, such as him running for president later on. Very reasonable. Hmm.

Ron Paul's Campaign Gets to Have All the Fun

Jim Newell · 12/12/11 03:40PM

Ron Paul's got it made. While Mitt Romney is struggling to save his pretty-boy campaign, and Newt Gingrich is trying to clarify what "going negative" means, Paul is releasing these long, futuristic ads beating the dickens out of everyone (in this case, Gingrich).

Donald Trump Admits That He May Have to Cancel His Debate

Jim Newell · 12/09/11 02:50PM

Time for your daily dose of Giving Donald Trump Any Kind of Publicity! Today: The shrieking mudbuttface's precious little debate is in tatters. Michele Bachmann has turned him down, setting the final roster of participants at Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Rick Santorum, and Newt Gingrich, and Rick Santorum. Or some combination of two.

A Brief Guide to Conservatives Freaking Out over Newt Gingrich

Jim Newell · 12/09/11 01:15PM

It did not seem possible that Newt Gingrich, star of the biggest political flameout of the 1990s, would find himself weeks away from the 2012 Republican presidential nominating contests and leading by double-digits in both national polls and three of the four early primary states. But thank Allah he is! Go Newt! This is the best thing that's ever happened. Now let's watch some elite conservatives pundits squirm.

How Can Newt Gingrich Occupy Two Bathrooms Simultaneously?

Jim Newell · 12/08/11 04:30PM

The Smoking Gun has gotten its paws on Newt Gingrich's Washington Speakers Bureau contract, replete with all of his pampered demands. For each speaking gig, he wants a nice hotel, first class plane ticket, check for $50,750 — the usual. But there's one item that stands out as appropriately idiosyncratic: His demand for two bathrooms, in a one-bedroom suite. This is his most profound idea yet.