Lacey Donohue · 11/27/13 11:55PM

According to research from the Calorie Control Council, the typical Thanksgiving meal weighs in at about 4,500 calories and 229 grams of fat. Might as well add a few more glasses of wine to make it an even 5,000 calories.

Have We Peaked? Introducing The Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe

Max Rivlin-Nadler · 06/09/13 01:45PM

Take a long, deep breath and look out on the bountiful expanse, for we are at the top of this roller-coaster ride we call America. Our apex comes in the form of the Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe, and though our swift decline will accompany a deep rumble in our bowels, we should have no regrets. This is what we were always meant for.

There's a Pretty Decent Chance Your Meds Are Killing You Somehow

Hamilton Nolan · 06/27/11 04:08PM

Abortion bans! Mouse hemophilia! Diabetes growth! Botox alternative! HIV testing! Undercover patients! Drug warnings! Weight loss! And having AIDS just got a little harder! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!

Fat American Gorillas Cured by Salad Diet

Max Read · 02/21/11 01:07AM

Gorillas are so much like us! Not in the sense that they're magical creatures filled with empathy and understanding or whatever; in the sense that the ones who live in the U.S. are fat-asses dying of heart disease who love to throw up eat their own vomit in order "to taste sugar again and again." Really! Heart disease is the number-one killer among the type of gorillas that live in the U.S., and zoo gorillas really do barf up their meals and eat them again, apparently four times an hour on average—even though their diet consists entirely of totally delicious-looking, definitely healthy and not-at-all gross red vitamin biscuits!

Exercise Makes You Smarter (About Exercise)

Hamilton Nolan · 07/07/10 11:22AM

Denver's mayor takes the stairs! Full Figured Fashionistas have nice hair! Fat TV shows, there and there! Calorie knowledge is rare! Exercise is mental flair! It's your Wednesday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—from our airy lair!

The Nine Meals and 20 Drinks That Will Kill You

Max Read · 05/25/10 11:17PM

Pretty soon, you will have to wear a bathing suit, outside of your house. Will you look like a babe/hunk? Not if you are eating the nine chain restaurant meals or 20 drinks that are the "worst in America."

Scientists Discover New Ways to Make Women Self-Conscious

Hamilton Nolan · 03/24/10 12:08PM

Ladies: are you psychotically obsessed enough with your physical appearance? Fear not! Scientists have now determined exactly where you're failing in your quest to not be a fat, disgusting cow. They'll make you insane yet!

America Is Quite the Foppish Macaroni

Hamilton Nolan · 09/16/09 03:11PM

The Way We Live Now: Making the hard choices. Maserati or Benzo? Expensive Yankees tickets or very expensive Yankees tickets? Hamburger or the whole cow? Macaroni or less macaroni for the same price?