So, Fox News has, excruciatingly, just broadcast live video of a man committing suicide after a car chase. Fox anchor Shep Smith said afterwards that the network was on a five-second delay, but that the video got through regardless. A network technician being too slow on the button is not the real issue here. The real issue is that car chases aren't worthy of live television (and this might be the thing that brings them to an end).
You probably know that CNN completely and utterly blew it today, in the most embarrassing way possible, by reporting not "what happened" but, actually, the exact opposite. But did you know that it's all the fault of a super-hot news-babe? BuzzFeed's Michael Hastings explains in his piece about how stupid everyone at CNN is feeling:
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahahaha. Hahahahahahahahaha.
Fat dick Roger Ailes, who runs Fox News channel when he's not busy spying on his employees, threatening old men, or trying to destroy people who take photographs of his bathrooms, made some waves last week when he called the New York Times "lying scum" for writing about him. What made fewer waves was the fact that the thing that had him so exercised about the Times never happened, and his accusation was itself a lie.
America currently has three major 24-hour cable news networks. The repugnant right wing propaganda one that's actually successful, and the one that's trying to be left wing propaganda that's less successful, and the one that used to be the "real news" one and is now pretty much down for whatever in order to avoid being the least successful.
The Muppets are liberal. No, they are communists. This, according to the Fox Business Network's Eric Bolling, who went on a spiel last month decrying the latest Muppet film's choice of villain — a greedy Texas oilman, a common stock villain in Hollywood motion pictures. And now the Muppets have publicly acknowledged their sharp commie biases, by making a joke about how terrible a television channel Fox News is.
Former Nixonite and coonskin cap-wearing sometime presidential candidate Pat Buchanan has always been a racist relic who appealed mostly to those caveman-like Americans anxious for a return to the Andrew Jackson era. Always. There has never been a time, during his long career as a smiley pundit, in which he was not a racist. So. Although it's kind of nice that he's been suspended by MSNBC, it's the media equivalent of giving all the homeless people in your city a one-way bus ticket just as long as the Olympics are in town.
With such a close race in the Iowa Caucuses last night, the cable news networks had to stay live into the wee hours of the morning. This proved to be a little much for some of them, as Stephen Colbert made clear on tonight's Colbert Report. Fox News' Bret Baier lost his ability to subtract simple sums and CNN's Erin Burnett had a little trouble mastering the network's new "flick" technology. All in all, it really makes a guy miss Tim Russert's trusty white board.
The Nassau County Police Department has acknowledged in a court filing that Bill O'Reilly played a role in an internal affairs investigation into an NCPD detective, confirming a key element of Gawker's exclusive story last August detailing how the Fox News blowhard tried to have the cop who was dating his wife investigated by his own police department.
Rigidly visaged Fox News television presenter Greta Van Susteren has already established herself as the least journalistic "journalist" in all of this great land, due to her complete mystification as to the very concept of journalism. This is most clearly evidenced by the fact that she is close personal friends with newsworthy figures, yet continues to pretend that she is "covering" them as a "journalist," rather than "performing metaphorical fellatio upon them" like a "fanboy." Whether you think this is convenient or inconvenient is closely correlated with whether or not you think Fox News is a "good" news network.
Gather round, cable news promotional campaign junkies, because here's the latest ad from MSNBC's esteemed "Lean Forward" series — starring Al Sharpton! How do the suits go about portraying him as a common sense problem-solving liberal? Ed Schultz, for example, sips coffee in a crappy diner or wanders around a shipyard muttering to himself about labor, while Rachel Maddow stands next to a dam and says "how 'bout that dam." Only Al Sharpton, though, gets to scream about pie.
Clown-hued shriek monster Gretchen Carlson was on tonight's Factor, where she and Bill O'Reilly battled each other for the title of commander-in-chief of the war on the secular War on Christmas. "Just this week, Santa was thrown out of a cancer center in South Carolina. Santa!" said Carlson, apparently unaware of the fact that Santa isn't in the Bible. Then O'Reilly said he would take down companies who ban their employees from saying "Merry Christmas," because JESUS. A clip of the segment is above.
Next week's presidential debate sounds fantastic: It's Republicans, on the rich people channel CNBC, while Wall Street protests are happening all around the country! And this promo from CNBC tells us that the main topic of discussion will be, "how will the candidates end the War on Wealth?" Yes, how? With extermination camps for the poor, or at least the uppity ones? That's the litmus test, candidates.