Adam Weinstein · 05/22/14 04:25PM

There's a downtick in Second Amendment paranoia over gun-control legislation that never came to pass, and retailers are jittery about lower gun sales. Says one executive: "[W]e underestimated the decline."

Why Does Chipotle Hate Freedom?

Adam Weinstein · 05/20/14 10:20AM

There are two ways to mark yourself as an unrepentant splotchy engorged asshole in a Chipotle. One is to order the quesarito at rush hour. The other is to order anything with a semiautomatic assault rifle in your arms, at the ready. One of these is going away. It's not the quesarito.

How Much Is Too Much to Pay a Rich Person For Being Incompetent?

Adam Weinstein · 05/06/14 10:40AM

Are you rich? No? Then the servicey aspect of this post this probably doesn't apply to you. But if you're rich, you probably want to know how you can be richer, right? Here's the secret: Do less work. And the work you do, do it worse. In other words, be a hedge fund manager!

Bain Capital Has Seen the Economy's Future, and It Is Heroin Addicts

Adam Weinstein · 04/14/14 12:45PM

Bain Capital—the Romney-built private equity firm that extracts wealth from humanity with the alacrity of an anteater jamming its many-hooked oral proboscis into a lush ant colony—is always looking for profitable trends in the markets. And America's profitable trend today is: hard drugs.

Adam Weinstein · 02/11/14 04:39PM

Oilmen have quietly obtained government permission to drill the holy shit out of the habitat of the endangered Florida panther. There are an estimated 100 to 160 panthers left in America. But there are something like 150,000 Hummer H2s, so, you know, sorry, big cats!

Nope, Obamacare Won't Kill Two Million Full-Time Jobs

Adam Weinstein · 02/04/14 04:42PM

Papers and pundits screamed it today, in massive headlines. The conservatives cackled it. "OBAMACARE WILL MEAN 2 MILLION FEWER FULL-TIME WORKERS." It was bullshit, born of the media's oversimplification and the right wing's malicious stupidity. The truth is good news.

Your Facial Hair Is Dismantling the Razor Industry

Dayna Evans · 01/26/14 04:29PM

Procter & Gamble revealed Friday afternoon that one of their biggest financial challenges this year will be your disgusting, dirty face. Reanimating the lifeless corpse that is the word "hipster," the consumer company in charge of Colgate, Johnson & Johnson, and Gillette (among others), reported stagnating sales in their typically thriving "grooming market."

Workers at Closing Goodyear Tire Plant Take Their Bosses Hostage

Adam Weinstein · 01/07/14 09:09AM

There are a couple of ways to react when you learn that the factory where you work is closing, and you and your 1,172 colleagues will soon be jobless. One is to beef up that LinkedIn profile. Another is to rage against the machine.

Adam Weinstein · 01/03/14 01:33PM

An editor fired from Byliner claims his severance was withheld because he refused to sign a "non-disparagement" clause requiring him to "never make any negative or disparaging statements (orally or in writing) about the Company" after leaving. German Scheisse porn GIFs don't count as written statements, right?

Doritos Is Going to Fix Your Chicken Wings, and Your Life

Adam Weinstein · 12/12/13 04:28PM

Do you love Doritos®? Do you love Taco Bell®'s Doritos® Loco Taco®? Do you love Buffalo Wild Wings®? Have you ever wondered why they have like a bajillion wing flavors, but no Doritos®-related corporate tie-ins? Well, friend, do I have good news for you.

Adam Weinstein · 12/12/13 02:21PM

How many months does the average full-time McDonald's, Starbucks, Gap, Target or Best Buy worker need to work in order to match what the CEO makes in an hour? Place your bets, then hit the link for knowledge. Depressing, awful knowledge.

Here Is Your Bible of Privatization Horror Stories

Adam Weinstein · 12/04/13 02:39PM

Government sucks. Why doesn't it run more like business? Why don't we let business run more of the government? The good news is: We already do. The bad news is: Business sucks worse.

Supreme Court Will Hear Obamacare Contraception Mandate Challenge

Cord Jefferson · 11/26/13 04:19PM

The U.S. Supreme Court said it will consider whether certain for-profit companies must follow the Affordable Care Act's mandate requiring health insurance policies that provide free contraception coverage. This is the first legal challenge to Obamacare since the Supreme Court upheld the law almost 18 months ago.