Someone Broke Into Dan Bilzerian's House and Went Straight for the Guns

Jay Hathaway · 09/08/15 03:51PM

Instagram’s walking Entourage, Dan Bilzerian, enjoys many things—money, women, hurling women off his roof—but perhaps the thing he enjoys most is firearms. He owns many, many guns, and they’re quite well-documented on his social media accounts. That’s how an alleged burglar or burglars must have known right where to go during a break-in at Bilzerian’s leased Hollywood Hills mansion Friday night.

Another Burglary Crew Copies Ben Affleck Movie

Maureen O'Connor · 10/18/11 04:18PM

Ways to judge a crime movie: Box office earnings, critical acclaim, spin-off crimes. Ben Affleck's The Town performed decently by the first two standards, but on that third standard, The Town really knocked it out of the park!

'Sex-Crazed Loser' Crashes Into Adult Store, Steals $800 Vagina

Lauri Apple · 08/23/11 09:28PM

Felonious, hypersexual people just can't stop crashing into the AdultMart of Brownhelm Township, Ohio to steal sex toys! In the latest incident involving theft at the popular sex-stablishment, a man stole a semi and crashed it into the place, making off with a $800 "life-like masturbator complete with female genitalia with legs and buttocks."

Dog Theft Is Increasing

Lauri Apple · 08/14/11 05:16PM

So now the American Kennel Club's saying that dog theft's up by 32 percent this year. Apparently their special database recording animal thefts has recorded 224 reports since January 1. That's almost as many thefts recorded in all of 2010 (255, if you're keeping score).

Hamburger Meat Spoils Drug Deal

Lauri Apple · 07/31/11 12:51PM

The vegan philosopher Morrissey tells us that "meat is murder," and for our vegetarian purposes he's correct. But murder is also murder, which is why you can't shoot your drug dealer even if he brazenly gives you hamburger instead of weed.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Burglar on the Loose

Lauri Apple · 07/30/11 02:47PM

With so many of America's criminals going the "violent psychopath" route—an overdone schtick if there ever was one—it's nice to hear about a burglar who sounds as though they derived stylistic inspiration from illustrated children's books. This person's even vegetarian-friendly.

Guy Scores Fancy House for $16, Now Has Neighbor Issues

Lauri Apple · 07/16/11 03:09PM

To move into his brand-new home, all Kenneth Robinson had to do was fill out a form, write down that the home had been foreclosed upon and abandoned, take the form to his local courthouse, and hand over $16 to the nice clerk lady. So easy!

Sexing Burglars Not Too Competent at Sex or Burglary

Lauri Apple · 07/01/11 04:47AM

You know how sometimes you and a friend are in the middle of stealing someone's power tools when suddenly you get the urge to "make love" to them, plus also pepper-spray them a little? You do know this, right?