NBC anchor Brian Williams turns 50 today. Kurt Loder is 64. Caroline Hirsch, the founder of the Caroline's comedy club, is turning 59. Ad agency CEO Bob Greenberg is 61. The singer Adele is 21, as is reality TV star (and "singer") Brooke Hogan. Actor Henry Cavill (The Tudors) is 26. R&B singer Craig David turns 28. Tina Yothers of Family Ties fame is 36. And Chris Brown turns 20 today, although it's doubtful he'll be getting any special presents from Rihanna.
Those Hogans sure love their restraining orders! Not long after mama cougar Linda claimed that ex-husband Hulk should stay away from her based on a completely made-up court order, her young, son-resembling boyfriend has attempted to secure an actual one against the American Gladiators host. Sadly, the 19-year-old Charley Hill's claim that Hulk "pulled up next to him [at a stoplight] and stared at him" was found to be insufficient grounds for issuing a restraining order. Also, the judge found that Hulk's attempt to piledrive Charley, then throw him against the ropes was terribly, terribly fake. [TMZ]
Exhibiting a soulful, undernourished defiance not seen since Nelson Mandela strolled out of a South African prison a generation ago, young Nick Hogan ended his own 166-day incarceration ordeal early this morning in Florida. There, at the mouth of the Pinellas County Jail, he was reunited with his mother Linda, sister Brooke and a gaggle of media whom Linda rebuffed on her 18-year-old Supra-wrecking, friend-paralyzing martyr's behalf:
Good news for all of the nerds who've had wet dreams about Hermione since age twelve - Harry Potter actress Emma Watson is applying to college, and she's thinking about leaving the esteemed halls of Hogwarts and heading to the States to get her education! We're sure the rising seniors over at Sigma Alpha Epsilon will be taking bets on who will nail her first while eager potential dormmates list "magic" and "sorcery" as interests when filling out their roommate request forms. Watson, who apparently garnered straight A's in high school finishing exams (Ooh! Sounds fancy!), says she hopes to be a part of a liberal arts program in the U.S. But after recent reports that new student James Franco was being stalked by hordes of psycho freshman while studying at the Columbia University library, we've learned the campus grounds aren't the safest confines for the cream of Young Hollywood's crop.In fact, some schools are flat out rejecting stars for the unwanted distraction they bring to the classroom. Last spring, Brooke Hogan was denied admission at three colleges in Florida when she was told the nine-camera production team behind her VH1 reality show Brooke Knows Best would disrupt the academic livelihood of other students - which is unfortunate, as she clearly needs the education. At the University of Southern California, the fine institution from which I recently graduated, there were many "star" students. Freshman year, Lee Thompson Young, vaguely known for his starring role on Disney's long-lost series The Famous Jett Jackson, was constantly ridiculed for his penchant for wearing exclusively all-white ensembles around campus ... classy. When Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos was boning Paris, girls used to flock to his English classes in the hopes of impressing him with their knowledge of Kafka. And rumor had it that David Gallagher, who played that goody-two-shoes with a bowl cut Simon from 7th Heaven, was a huge stoner who shacked up with a stripper in a house off campus. Point being: Hermione - no matter what you do, you're probably screwed.
Sure, reality star Brooke Hogan doesn't know who Sarah Palin is (or the identity of our current vice president, for that matter), but it's only because she's been working so hard! After all, who has time to brush up on politics when you're busy taking striptease classes with your mother? Yes, on last night's episode of Brooke Knows Best, Brooke decides that a pole-dancing lesson will be just the thing she needs for a workout, and she decides to bring mother Linda along, too. Showing off the moves that would eventually bag Linda a nineteen-year-old boyfriend and strain her relations with Brooke, the cougar supremo humps the pole and floor in an unnerving mother/daughter celebration of post-postmodern female empowerment, disguised as a workout routine at Crunch. We can't wait until a very special Christmas episode of Brooke Knows Best, when Linda returns the favor and gifts Brooke with a coupon for pairs' Kegel exercises at the downtown Miami Y. [VH1]
When we solicited thoughts on VP candidate Sarah Palin from reality star Brooke Hogan, Brooke's naive response of "Who's that?" initially echoed in our hearts as a poignant reminder of the bygone, pre-Palin media era. You can imagine our confusion, then, when Hogan appeared on today's Howard Stern show and as the subject of the now-notorious Defamer video came up, she coolly denied that we'd ever asked her about Sarah Palin in the first place:Still, her tenuous grasp on the memory is understandable, as proven when Stern and Co. continue to quiz her about presidential candidates (asked Obama's first name, she carefully answers, "'Barack' or something?"), forcing an overwhelmed Hogan to cry out, "There's too many friggin' people in office!" Perhaps that would explain the blank she draws when asked the name of the current Vice President? The answer, dear Brooke, is "Dick Cheney," and it's as plain as the nose on your face (which, if you're not careful, Mr. Cheney will shoot off). [Howard Stern]
· We're not going to lie: Seeing The Soup run our footage of Brooke Hogan drawing a blank on the name "Sarah Palin" on the VMAs red carpet was a real thrill. Enhancing that thrill was knowing E! was temporarily held hostage by our shaky Nikon Coolpix camera work and audio that sounded like it was piped in via two baked bean tins strung together with twine. [The Soup] · After Ellen and Portia's wedding video melted all our troubles away, we were ready for another slice of gay wedding cake. Beam us up a piece, Scottie! [Daily Mail] · Here's a shot of Ben Affleck from the set of Mike Judge's flower-extract-factory comedy (hey—we just work here) Extract, looking as though you could wring a few powerful drops of Jesus Extract from his hair. [Just Jared] · Canadians got the Zack and Miri Enjoy the Pleasures of Reciprocal Oral Sex poster, while all we get is a couple stick figures. They don't even have stick genitalia! [/Film] · Ben Silverman admitted to reporters at the New York Television Festival that the head of HR at his network refers to him as "the Paris Hilton of NBC." He then pulled out a recorder, and spoke: "Memo to self: Ben Silverman's My New BFF. Needs a sidekick and catchphrase. Have assistant see if Jessica Simpson and 'So much much' are available." [broadcastingandcable.com]
Though it's only been a scant ten days since John McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate, it's hard to find anyone on earth immune to the media onslaught that followed. Oh, for the halcyon days of mid-August, when our nation was more consumed with the abdominals of Michael Phelps than the baby-making, celebrity-stifling, Liz Lemon-resembling Palin name! To meet the rare creature who still knows nothing about the controversial candidate would be like staring into the windows of our pre-RNC innocence, and reader, we found such a transcendent experience on the carpet of the VMAs last night:Sure, Brooke Hogan's political ignorance may be easy to pillory (though her dark horse candidate would certainly win endorsements from the bulk of last night's Moonman-accepting crowd). After all, this is the same reality star who came under fire for her belief that female menstruation should be an instant DQ for the presidency (so get cracking on that change of life, ladies!). Still, after the events of the past ten days, we can't help but see in Brooke the sort of happy optimism that remains unchanged by frightening new political polls. Sometimes, after reading about the new person Palin had fired or the books she wanted banned from the public library, all we want to do is don a low-cut dress, toss our hair from side to side, and shimmy, shimmy down the red carpet until political doom is just a bad dream on a channel far, far away from VH1. [MTV]
· We think it's the one who shows up to spring break with your professional beer-bongist Uncle Knobs in tow. [Brooke Knows Best] · We could spend all day reading the various captions beneath identical tabloid photos of Sylvester Stallone's veiny forearms. [Daily Mail] · There's something about Sawyer weighing in on the Chosen Blobs photos that kind of kills the whole Lost mystique—we just can't put our fingers on what that is. [ET Online] · If we told you we had access to footage of Hitler singing one of the greatest TV theme songs of all time, is that something you might be interested in? [WOW Report] · "Molly McAleer is the cute, adorably sassy, camera-friendly personality on defamer.com. We are a website looking for our Molly McAleer." We'll trade her for a pack of Marlb Meds and a handicap parking pass. [Craigslist]
- Ashley Dupre seems to have found a new married man to take her to expensive hotels and treat her to drinks from the minibar. After spending the day shopping in Midtown (left), she checked into the Gramercy Park Hotel with Thomas "TJ" Earle, who owns a New Jersey asphalt company and lives in a "McMansion" with his wife and two kids. [NYP]
· Sacha Baron Cohen's Bruno exploits took him from Israel to Arkansas; his Sherlock Holmes adventures to come may or may not include the missus.
· AFTRA ratified its new contract, but SAG didn't let that spoil its appetite for destruction.
· Harvey Weinstein is now officially going door-to-door to finance his films. Psst! Buddy! Wanna buy a Tarantino?
· The TV Critics Association Press Tour is dead. Long live the TCA Press Tour!
· Lest major Dark Knight spoilers aren't up your alley, there's always Michael Bay's unproduced Awesome Knight screenplay to hold you over another week.
· After a long string of compatibility issues, Drew Barrymore is on the market for a Mac huckster upgrade.
· This Week In Magazine Cover Hell: Blake Lively gets the blown-out Skeletor treatment, while the pasty youths of Twilight make EW safe for chest hair.
· Here's the story of a lovely lady, who was bringing up three very lovely RRRAAALLLLPPPHHHHH
· Defamer's readers joined Matthew McConaughey in welcoming a bouncing Bongo Romcom to the world.
· Meanwhile in France, stinky, salmon-devouring, "high-maintenance beetch" Angelina Jolie prepared her post-twinbirth conditioning regimen. Two words: Hula hoop.
· Pick your reality TV poison for 2009: America's Greatest Dog or The Ashley Dupre Governor Boink Variety Hour.
· We wished a healthy recovery (literally) to the rat-friendly Newsroom Cafe, and bid a fond farewell to J-Lo's slice of Pasadena paradise, Madre's.
· Have you yet greeted Tricia Romano, Defamer newcomer and social observer extraordinaire? Well? That's more like it.
· Molls ate spinach. That is all.
Brooke Hogan, the Saddest Reality Star on Earth, popped by GMA this morning to plug her new VH1 show Brooke Knows Best, where she was made to react to all the truly awful things to happen to her this year. By way of review: Her brother's best friend was left brain dead from a racing accident with her brother Nick Hogan at the wheel, for which he is currently serving an eight-month sentence. Also, her mother filed for divorce from her famous wrestler dad, and is now dating a 19-year-old. And where most of us would choose to cope with a year of unthinkable tragedy and heartache by, say, not submitting ourselves to 24-hour reality film crew documenting every emotional breakdown, Brooke has chosen the perhaps more challenging route, and done precisely that. To her credit, were it us in that situation, we'd probably be shitfaced and trying to make out with Sam Champion—but Hogan manages to admirably hold it all together. Let's hope she doesn't wind up being shuffled through the VH1 Celebreality repertory, and wind up roomies with Natasha Lyonne on Celebrity Rehab, or judging a hot-fudge-massage contest on her own competitive dating show, Hogan On To Love.
When last we left the Hogan family (though can we leave them if they won't go away?), parents Hulk and Linda had split up, and it wasn't pretty. Daughter Brooke accused the Hulkster of piledriving one of her friends, while cougar Linda fell into the arms of the 19-year-old pool boy. What's next for an estranged, straw-haired couple bored of screwing their children's dopplegangers? Elaborate, imaginary crimes:
Not a day goes by without a dozen blind items stirring up rumors about the newest Hollywood heroin addict or closeted anchor with sex swings in his office, but there is one very rare kind of bold face name-less rumor that catches our eye. And it has to do with "celebrity dads," "piercings," and "nether regions." As the NY Post Just Asks this morning: