Like, This Is So Totally Embarrassing: Our Top Five Classic 'Valley Girls'

Molly Friedman · 07/22/08 05:30PM

As THR reported recently, MGM is planning a musical remake of the cult classic Valley Girl, which became the epitome of everything the magical land of acrylic nails and gum chewing addictions stood for in the early `80s. However, the remake is ruffling the feathers of many an industry insider, mainly because the brains behind this project are less interested in revisiting the infamous twang and mall headquarters associated with girls from the Valley, a group the film arguably captured better than any successor. Instead, the epic soundtrack will serve as the reincarnation's primary subject. But whether or not the idea tanks, we're just happy to have the chance to round up our five favorite on-screen Valley Girls to ever gag us with a spoon:

Dina Lohan, Mother Of The Century: 'I Now Realize I've Been Punk'd By An 11-Year Old'

Molly Friedman · 07/21/08 06:30PM

At long last, Dina Lohan has figured out a way to put all those rumors about her fictional former career as a Rockette to rest. In a clever and trademark bout of not-so-subtle child manipulation, Dina arranges for the always-bored Cody to publicize her very own Vegas show starring Dina, her jazz hands, and a pair of leggings that look suspiciously like a knock-off of Lindsay's blow job-ready version. With Ali’s career at its inevitable standstill, Dina decided to show her little ones how a real stage star gets the job done: con your child into playing PR boy for your otherwise blip on glitter-dusted Vegas' star-studded radar, and feign shock and scorn for the cameras after Cody's adorable promotional fliers are hung all over town. And still, amidst all the excitement of Dina’s return to solo stardom, we viewers learned yet another essential trifecta of lessons on how to belittle your son, blow off pony-tailed Carlos Leon-wannabes who just want a piece of your delicious ass and, of course, dance like it’s 1989:

abalk · 07/13/07 12:29PM

"You know, a penis is more than a phallic symbol made flesh. It's a warm, life-sized attachment that serves a number of utilitarian purposes, too, and over time develops its own wry personality and quirks, or so it can seem to its owner." Looks like Vanity Fair's James Wolcott is trying to get into the anthropomorphized penis business. Guess what, Wolcott? There's only one cock in these parts, and it's Mine. Back the fuck off before it cuts you a new peehole. [VF]