Egg Prices Are Going Up, Which Is Good

Hamilton Nolan · 12/29/14 09:15AM

This year (because of a law, obviously, not out of any sense of kindness), chickens will get bigger houses. That means the price of eggs is going up. Okay, good.

Pizza Places Should Not Do Brunch

Hamilton Nolan · 07/14/14 01:04PM

"Pizza" is a popular type of restaurant. "Brunch" is a popular type of meal. For this reason, some pizza restaurants believe that they can serve brunch. Not true.

Burgers For Breakfast, Because Nothing Really Matters

Hamilton Nolan · 05/09/14 08:15AM

Burger King today announced that it will serve its burgers for breakfast now, as part of their new corporate philosophy, "Why try harder than absolutely necessary when the American people want nothing more than to eat themselves into oblivion to erase the pain of being locked into this zombie-like existence?"

Hamilton Nolan · 04/08/14 12:48PM

Taco Bell's latest marketing strategy is convincing consumers that Egg McMuffins represent the past, whereas "Waffle Tacos" represent the future. I suppose that's plausible.

Fast Food Breakfast Envelops America In Ceaseless Embrace

Hamilton Nolan · 02/25/14 09:56AM

There is nothing that you, the consumer, love more than a paper bag filled with piping hot breakfast items purchased from one of our nation's fast food outlets. It is the only high point in the otherwise dreary days of the majority of Americans. Fortunately, fast food breakfast will now be more inescapable than ever.

How Much Should Breakfast Cost?

Hamilton Nolan · 01/09/14 09:21AM

When you're "on the go," you need a breakfast that's quick, filling, delicious, and reasonably priced. Some restaurants apparently can't figure this out, so we have prepared a simple guide for idiots.

Americans Are Consuming Breakfast at an Unsafe Speed

Hamilton Nolan · 05/13/13 01:26PM

When "fast food" was invented back in the 1950s or whenever, we were cautiously optimistic. A ground hamburger patty and french-fried potatoes served in less time than it takes to raise and slaughter a cow, plant a field of potatoes, and build a fire? Sure, why not? But today it seems that Americans have forgotten how to take their time with their food.

McDonald's is Considering Serving Breakfast All Day

Gabrielle Bluestone · 04/28/13 12:15PM

McMuffins all day long! Could McDonald's be ending their illogical policy of only serving breakfast during breakfast hours? CEO Don Thompson seemed to be flirting with that idea during a recent interview with CNBC, saying that McDonald's was working on "innovative ways of us expanding the breakfast hours, and some of those things we'll be seeing here in the near future."

Mom Finds Nose Ring In Daughter's McDonald's Breakfast Burrito

Taylor Berman · 12/02/12 09:26PM

If you order anything from McDonald's breakfast menu aside from hot cakes or some sort of biscuit sandwich, you deserve to be disappointed and/or disgusted. That said, no ordering mishap, not even one as egregious as that, merits the discovery of a nose ring in your breakfast burrito.

As If Adults Haven't Been Eating Lucky Charms This Whole Time

Hamilton Nolan · 11/30/12 10:38AM

So, says here that Lucky Charms' new advertisement is targeting not children, but "adults who as kids grew up with Lucky the Leprechaun and are apparently running back to him in search of some feel-good nostalgia." I guess the General Mills™ corporation just likes throwing away money these days, because all of the adults I know have been eating Lucky Charms this whole time.

Nutella Is Not a Real Breakfast

Hamilton Nolan · 10/08/12 08:56AM

Residents of America: have you been approached by a friendly-looking man offering you free sweets from the back of a truck? Beware! This is not just any garden variety perv; it is a European perv, trying to corrupt our youth—by convincing them that "Nutella" is an acceptable breakfast item. It is not.

Taco Bell Now Offering Morning Meal of Space Food and Semen Nuggets

Hamilton Nolan · 01/27/12 10:02AM

Taco Bell is not going to be serving breakfast. That would be gross. Taco Bell is serving First Meal. It's the meal that comes after Fourth Meal. It's a meal that you eat at about the same time that you would eat breakfast, but which bears no resemblance to the "food" that normal humans would consume, for "breakfast." Observe:

An Amazing Kitchen Table from The New York Times

Ryan Tate · 08/31/11 02:50PM

Yes, it's made some awful business decisions, but the New York Times has been savvy when it comes to technology development, maintaining a research lab and corps of programmers who, to take one example, rushed out an app to ensure the Times was on stage at the iPad unveiling. Now the company's hackers want to reinvent how you eat breakfast.