11-Year-Old's Alleged Breakup Text: Screw You Joey, Your Not on My Level

Jay Hathaway · 06/30/15 04:30PM

An incoming sixth-grader named Joey is crying into his Starbucks today after his girlfriend caught him cheating on her by going to the park with another girl. She bluntly ended their relationship via perhaps the greatest series of breakup texts ever composed by an 11-year-old.

Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin Broke Up

Allie Jones · 10/27/14 02:15PM

According to an exclusive E! News report, America's Sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence, 24, and England's rocker dad Chris Martin, 37, broke up. Be not afraid, children, for Gwyneth Paltrow's hex—that bottle of Kiehl's she buried with some twigs in the backyard this summer—worked.

Tom Scocca · 06/14/13 12:43PM

The Pixies have announced that singer/bassist/McCartney Kim Deal has quit the band, or at least that Kim Deal perceives herself as having quit the band, while the other three Pixies "will always consider her a member." Given that the Pixies had never really re-formed as an album-making unit after 1991's Trompe le Monde, either take on the transaction makes sense. Rather than her spotlight turn on "Gigantic," which could suggest Deal's role was isolable or separable, here's the band in youth and unison doing "Bone Machine":

Katy Perry and John Mayer Broke Up, Again

Taylor Berman · 03/19/13 10:39PM

Seven months after they first broke up, America's best-matched couple, John Mayer and Katy Perry, have again called it quits. According to US Weekly, the two, who have dated since last summer, split because of issues over their schedules. But don't worry! There's hope they might get back together, according to the magazine's surely reliable sources.

Maggie Lange · 02/21/13 01:55PM

Here's a lesson on how to write about your break-up in a veiled-revealing way: When Your Ex is Nominated for an Oscar.

Alyssa Bereznak · 10/25/12 09:06PM

Yup, Taylor Swift is still buying that mansion across the street from the home of Ethel Kennedy, AKA her ex's grandma.

My Cat Blocked Me on Twitter

Rich Juzwiak · 09/13/12 09:05AM

I think I may be the first person on Earth to be blocked by my own cat on Twitter. That sounds ridiculous, I know. It's an outcome fit for a crazy cat lady, which I know that I qualify as regardless of my penis.