Starbucks: Shut Up and Make Coffee That Isn't Garbage

Sam Biddle · 03/24/16 08:42AM

Inside today’s Wall Street Journal and New York Times are two different, full-page ads about essentially nothing draped in the rhetoric of social justice written by what I imagine was a third party branding agency at the behest of a CEO in order to promote the pseudo-advocacy of a sprawling American coffee chain. We live in dumb, predictable times.

Mountain Dew Presents the PuppyMonkeyBaby, a Horror-Hallucination of Brand Awareness

Melissa Cronin · 02/07/16 09:11PM

The brands were out in full force during Sunday’s Superbowl, reaching the eyeballs of millions of consumers with millions of dollars. Mountain Dew took a novel tack, attempting to create the most grotesque, unsettling, and plain awful character of all (worse, even, than Norm MacDonald’s Colonel Sanders): PuppyMonkeyBaby.

Charleston Marriott: Don't Include Our Hotel in Same Photo as Massacre Church

Sam Biddle · 12/28/15 12:08PM

If you happen to be in Charleston, S.C. today, please make sure you do NOT take a picture that includes both the Marriott Courtyard Charleston Historic District hotel and the Emanuel A.M.E. Church in the same frame, because this is against the rules and you will be censured on Twitter.

The New York Times Brand Studio Cares Most About Gay Rights (On Twitter)

Sam Biddle · 07/08/15 09:40AM

Moments after the Supreme Court guaranteed everyone in the country the right to marry the person of their choosing this past Friday, gay America’s greatest allies sprung into action, loudly broadcasting their support for the decision. Without a thought to detractors, without a worry about the shrinking minority of people who oppose same-sex marriage, brands everywhere stood up and took a brave stand by changing their Twitter avatars to include rainbows.

90sFest Is Here to Help Brooklyn Babies Forget Inevitability of Death

Andy Cush · 06/18/15 04:30PM

Remember the ‘90s? When you were an innocent incorruptible babe, hermetically sealed from the ills of the world around you, and your mom dragged you to that outdoor John Cougar Mellencamp concert because she couldn’t find a babysitter? And she got a little drunker than she meant to and tried to get you to climb on the picnic table and dance with her like This song has a great beat! but you didn’t want to like Ugh, come ON mom? Now you’re the mom. Congratulations, mom.

The Hamburglar Grew Up to Be an EDM-Loving Asshole Dad

Dayna Evans · 05/06/15 03:07PM

Think back, if you dare, to when you were young. Can you recall the Hamburglar, a pudgy cartoon criminal who wore a striped shirt and whose only dream was to steal all of your McDonald’s hamburgers? Now? He’s got a 401k and a propensity for dressing like Justin Bieber.

What If Teens Aren't Cool?

Sam Biddle · 04/27/15 10:30AM

Our depleted, dried-up culture craves teen juice for nourishment. We’ve assumed that because we are tired and aching, we can absorb teenage youth-spirit through social media osmosis, a hot stem cell injection for our whole existence. But what if teens suck just as much as we do?

Time Warner Cable Rep: Dear Cunt Martinez, Your Service is Canceled

Gabrielle Bluestone · 02/19/15 09:45PM

Say what you want about #brands, but one thing's for sure—cable companies are more than just "not your friend." Cable companies are public enemy No. 1 and if you piss one of their overworked, underpaid employees off enough, they're liable to call you a cunt and cancel your service.