Nothing Can Convince Me That Blake Lively's Life Is Worth More Than a Great White Shark's

Rich Juzwiak · 07/06/16 10:35AM

This weekend, I caught up on a movie I had been meaning to see because it’s about a shark, was directed by Jaume Collet-Serra (who directed one of my favorite trashy movies of the 21st century, Orphan), is certified “fresh” on Rotten Tomatoes, and came recommended by people whose opinions I trust. A scrappy little B-movie that, after just two weekends in theaters, has already grossed about $20 million more than its $17 million budget, The Shallows is a single-setting thriller along the lines of 127 Hours, The Ruins, Frozen (the ski-lift one, not the Disney one whose songs continue to fill our ears and haunt our lives), and Buried (which starred Ryan Reynolds, the husband of Shallows star Blake Lively). More than anything, though, The Shallows is a giant crock of shit.

What Did Blake Lively Name Her Baby?

Leah Finnegan · 01/05/15 06:40PM

America's genetic dream child has been born, but neither its name nor gender have been revealed. Taking into consideration its parents' aesthetic, here are the Baby Name Critic's guesses as to what the tot might have been named. Please feel free to post your own guesses in the comments section below. Blessings to all.

The "Southern Belle" Is a Racist Fiction

Sam Biddle · 10/17/14 04:10PM

Sometime between Reconstruction, this episode of MTV: True Life, and the hundred-thousandth wedding held on a plantation in South Carolina, the term Southern Belle became just another friendly identifier to put in your Twitter bio, a throwaway regional label no weightier than Cali Surfer Dude. But the difference between SoCal pride and honoring your Southern gentility is that the latter celebrates the ugliest stain in America's history.

Blake Lively's Fall Fashion Inspiration Is Slaveowners

Allie Jones · 10/13/14 12:15PM

You'd think that after 12 Years a Slave won all those Oscars, slaves are over. But you'd be thinking wrong, says actress and lifestyle guru Blake Lively, whose dogged pursuit of the joie de vivre associated with slavery is such that she chose to be married on a Southern plantation. According to a Lively-styled fashion spread on her lifestyle website Preserve, the hottest lifestyle for fall is the lifestyle of owning human beings without government interference.

God Almighty Sent Blake Lively a Bee Attack for Her Birthday

Caity Weaver · 08/28/14 04:05PM

With our imperfect knowledge and limited faculties constrained, as they are, by the hedges of time and space, we cannot "know," in the narrow, popularly-used sense of the word, which of the Ten Commandments Blake Lively violated that prompted God to turn her birthday into a bee hell, but it was probably 9.

Preserve Is the Most Disturbing Site On the Web

Allie Jones · 08/07/14 01:55PM

Preserve is actress Blake Lively's "lifestyle" blog that "honors the future, while having a love affair with the past." Preserve is home to a fictional essay titled "Flower Beards: Summer's Hottest Trend? Or a Death Sentence? A Story By Sir Willups Brightslymoore," which is about a man being beaten to death. The target audience for Preserve is the ghost of Felicity, American Girl doll. Preserve is completing its third week of public existence. Preserve is the most disturbing site on the web.

Blake Lively's Wedding: A Personal Response

Caity Weaver · 09/21/12 04:30PM

Like it has so many of you, Blake Lively's wedding to Canada's sweetheart Guy That Canada Wrought Ryan Reynolds has affected me personally in innumerable ways.

Louis Peitzman · 09/10/12 07:41PM

OK, we can all relax — Blake Lively's ex-boyfriend and Gossip Girl co-star Penn Badgley is happy she got hitched.

Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds Are Now Married

Taylor Berman · 09/09/12 11:55PM

According to People Magazine, Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively were married Sunday evening near Charleston, South Carolina. This is the second marriage for Reynolds – he was previously married for two years to Scarlett Johansson – and the first for Lively. Reynolds was also engaged to Alanis Morissette for over two years in the mid-2000s.

All the Sex in Savages Is 'Awkward' Sex, Says Taylor Kitsch

Leah Beckmann · 06/19/12 01:22PM

Mystifying careerist Taylor Kitsch said that filming sex scenes with his Savages co-star Blake Lively was "very awkward" because he didn't really know her at all, and that "he was just glad it was over with to be honest."