The best part about this "sequel" to Abbott and Costello's classic "Who's on First" routine starring Jimmy Fallon, Billy Crystal, Jerry Seinfeld, and A.D. Miles, is how great it is.
As someone who loves the Oscars, movies, and awards shows in general, I have to say that this year's ceremony was the most boring in modern memory. It seemed like the whole night was mired in Billy Crystal's mediocre nostalgia and nothing got to shine, except Meryl Streep, which shouldn't be a surprise at all.
He was taped, I bet.
It's the Catskills in full effect.
Remember when these were cut by Chuck Workman and were awesome? Long time ago, kids.
Tonight, Billy Crystal returns to host the Oscars for the first time since 2004; it will be his ninth appearance has host, second only to Bob Hope. Start getting excited for the Oscars with this collection of some of Crystal's best monologue moments.
It's been a hell of a week for the Oscars: Brett Ratner quit, Eddie Murphy quit, and everyone had some bright ideas about who should host. Sadly, Brian Grazer and Billy Crystal were quickly hired. And even though the once and future king of the Oscars has been anointed, some of you people are still carrying on about the damn Muppets. Knock it off!
Jamie Dimon (left) is the CEO of JPMorgan. Byrdie Bell (right) goes to a lot of parties. What do the two have in common? Absolutely nothing, except they're both celebrating birthdays today: Dimon is 53; Bell is turning 24. William H. Macy turns 59 today. Kathy Hilton, the woman who brought Paris Hilton into this world, is 50. Emile Hirsch is 24. Mets pitcher Johan Santana is turning 30. Political commentator Charles Krauthammer is 59. Mediabistro founder Laurel Touby is turning 46. Common is 37. Danny Masterson is 33. Dana Delany is 53. And Neil Sedaka is turning 70. Weekend birthdays after the jump!
♦ You weren't the only one who stayed up to watch election results. Brad Pitt and Oprah watched the festivities from Grant Park in Chicago. Harvey Weinstein had a party at Public House attended by James Franco, Josh Lucas and Jessica Alba. Robin Williams and Billy Crystal watched Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert live. And in LA, Courteney Cox and David Arquette hosted an Obama victory party attended by Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer and Sacha Baron Cohen, among others. [R&M, E!]
♦ Star is standing by its Jennifer Aniston pregnancy story. The mag claims she's undergoing fertility treatments so she can get pregnant by her 40th birthday in February. [Star]
♦ Are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes planning to have another baby? [OK!]
· Returning to his Blind Date/Hudson Hawk roots as a sensitive, almost Bergmanesque observer of angst and insecurity, Bruce Willis will make his directorial debut and star in the "indie psychological drama" Three Stories About Joan. And if you still harbor doubt about the film's chamber-drama cred, 10,000 B.C. star Camilla Belle is attached to star. [Variety] · Lifetime outbid six other networks for the rerun rights to How I Met Your Mother, which execs are reportedly considering spinning off with the Lifetime original series How I Survived Your Father Knocking Me Up at 15. [THR] After the jump: Ben Affleck loses his job, Billy Crystal reclaims his own, and the world contemplates another Star Wars movie.· Ben Affleck is in talks to star as a downsized corporate hack in Company Men, which we're told calls for a second male lead as well. Matt Damon casting bets are currently paying 2:3. [THR] · After a six-year hiatus, Billy Crystal will return to the big screen opposite Dwayne Johnson in Tooth Fairy. [Variety] · On the heels of Capote the Hutt, would George Lucas dare to adapt the new Star Wars video game as an animated feature? On second thought, please don't answer that. [Hero Complex] · CBS and ABC were up, Heroes was down on the fall TV season's opening night. [Variety] · Sony is keeping the plot for its newly optioned feature White Dad "under wraps." Meanwhile, the aggressively quick thinkers at Lifetime are angling for a Latino Babysitter MOW sequel as we speak. [THR]
The shameful scandal that has engulfed New York over the past week to the outrage of one and all has finally come to a close. That's right: comedian Billy Crystal has now had his single at-bat in a Yankees spring training game. The ballclub's decision to offer Crystal a one-day contract as a promotional stunt threw a pall over the entire Empire State. Video from the stands of the funnyman's game appearance (not a bad swing!), which the New York Post suspects may have destroyed baseball's integrity, after the jump. Hopefully we can all now move forward with our lives.
There is much wailing and gnashing of teeth across the state of New York today as the citizenry tries to come to terms with the scandal that has ripped our illusions away: the Yankees signing comedian Billy Crystal to a one-game contract. He'll appear in a spring training game, as a publicity stunt. This sudden disgrace of our heroes is shaking us to the very core! The New York Post splashed the outrage on their (back) cover, and fired off a defense of our collective moral standards:
· FamilyMediaGuide.com, online home to the naughtiness measuring Howard Stern Shockulator, tallied 68 f-bombs, 34 assholes, 17 cocks, and 10 cunts in Stern's first day on the job at Sirius. Eh, that shouldn't be too hard to top by the end of the week.
· Just so that you know, Billy Crystal says he was offered the Oscar hosting gig before Jon Stewart. He'd hate for you to think that the Academy got its first choice.
· Brad Pitt does sort of look like a monkey, though they probably could've dug up more compelling photo pairs if they spent a couple of more minutes on searching images on Google.
· While we languish at our regular keyboard all day, our buddies at Jalopnik are running amok at the Detroit Auto Show, and Fleshbot is recovering from a weekend at the AVN pornopalooza in Vegas.
· We just can't believe in any edgy writers anymore, can we? Tomorrow's news will probably unmask Dana Delaney as the true author of Bruce Wagner's novels.
· And is Macaulay Culkin writing his own books? God, we hope so.
· Fox News head Roger Ailes is the most likely candidate for "The Son Rupert Murdoch Never Had," and might replace dead-to-him-now offspring Lachlan as chairman of Fox Television Stations Group. They're going to look a little funny running the three-legged race at the News Corp father-son picnic, but Lachlan was always a liability anyway. [Variety]
· Also, Lachlan Murdoch's golden parachute will likely be in the millions of dollars, and his two-year noncompete clause will leave him with little to do but build money-castles on an Australian beach. [THR]
· That harmless little joke that Sony played on the world, where they invented a movie critic to provide glowing pullquotes for their movies, costs them $1.5 million in a settlement with fans. At that piddling price, it was totally worth it! [Variety]
· Paramount snaps up the film rights to writer AJ Jacobs's yet-to-be-published nonfiction book, The Year of Living Biblically, in which the author spends a year trying to abide by all of the Bible's dictates. Wacky, unwatchable spiritual sequel to 40 Days and 40 Nights to follow. Do we have to pitch it? "When Andy is caught cheating on his very religious fiance, he offers to prove his love by obeying every rule in the Bible up until their wedding day." We decline to dreamcast Ashton Kutcher at this time. [THR]
· Hollywood Est Hors des Idées: Warner Brothers will remake the French waiter-and-hilarious-consequences-of-averted-suicide comedy Apres Vous with Billy Crystal as the star. [Variety]
· Billy Crystal to Jimmy Fallon: "I've thrown up Scotch older than you."
· Lizzie Grubman on her yet-to-be-opened bakery: "Working out and baking were two things that were like therapy. Before I went to jail, it stayed very close to my heart."
· Michael Clark Duncan on his boxers: "Right now, I'm wearing ones that are black with a big, yellow smiley face down there!"
· Julianna Margulies' solution to the Al-Qaeda problem: "Don't you think it's time we all just lived in peace? I would tell them to all take a yoga class."
· Good Housekeeping Editor-in-Chief Ellen Levine on her blazing orange blouse: "Orange is news, and I'm not going to let them take this color away from me."
· [Ed. noteThat's odd; Zac
Poseur Posen was at Project Alabama and I somehow failed to notice the stench of overhyped fashion whore.]
The Transom [Observer]