Just Drink Water

Hamilton Nolan · 03/11/15 11:18AM

A new study of America's woefully inadequate parents finds that many of you have mistaken beliefs about nutrition that will—in all likelihood—one day kill your kids. Allow us to help you with a useful public health guideline.

Japan Loving That Garbage Coffee

Hamilton Nolan · 04/03/14 08:54AM

Here in America, the home of taste and sophistication, we drink "tea," to demonstrate that we are not crude savages. In Japan, however, no "thousands of years of cultural legacy" can hide the fact that they drink garbage coffee.

People Are Drinking Less Diet Soda. What ARE They Drinking?

Hamilton Nolan · 12/09/13 10:04AM

What's not to like about diet soda? Same brown, sludge-like color of regular soda, plus a sickly sweet aftertaste of sugar mixed with burnt plastic—all without any calories. Alas, it seems that Americans are tiring of diet soda. Is everything different now, beverage-wise?

Americans Are Drinking Beer From Cans Now

Hamilton Nolan · 07/09/13 08:37AM

Beer-swilling Americans, globally regarded as the very Platonic ideal of refinement and taste, are renowned for their refined palates. They certainly are not the type of people to sit around on the back bumper of a pickup truck and drink themselves senseless on literally any form of alcoholic liquid no matter how disgusting while ranting about unfavored sports teams. So it is newsworthy to report that this group of gourmets is now being enticed to drink their beer out of a humble can.

Hamilton Nolan · 06/14/13 02:09PM

People are drinking less orange juice these days.

Everybody's Into Tea Now, Apparently

Hamilton Nolan · 05/28/13 09:03AM

You like coffee? Yeah, I used to like coffee. I'm kind of over that now. I've evolved past that. I've advanced into tea. Tea is kind of the new "thing," for me and my 300 million closest friends, the citizens of the United States of America.

Americans Disgusted by Water that Lacks Artificial Flavoring

Hamilton Nolan · 05/15/13 09:01AM

You hear all these so-called "health experts" and "emergency room doctors gazing at our insulin levels in amazement" today who tell us, "Hey, don't drink so much soda," or "Hey, how can you put Mountain Dew in your baby's bottle, you monster?" They're always telling us to drink more water. But water is gross. What to do?

Might the Coffee Nerds Be Right?

Hamilton Nolan · 05/13/13 04:10PM

It must be said right up front: coffee is a utilitarian beverage that exists mainly to wake you up. Therefore, treating coffee as some delicate wine-like treat that can only be appreciated by a select group of gourmands is absurd. Or is it?

It's Water... With That Brooklyn Flavor

Hamilton Nolan · 03/12/13 10:08AM

If you're a hip and trendsetting young urban affluencer like me, you can hardly count how many times you've purchased a new brand of bottled water, only to be disappointed with its lack of that... certain something. "I dunno, this just takes like water," you grumble, tossing the disposable plastic bottle onto the mountainous pile of similar empty plastic bottles that have built up in your tastefully decorated apartment, a testament to your restless search for a bottled water brand that speaks to your lifestyle. I am here to tell you that there is finally hope: a bottled water that comes from Brooklyn.