Alleged 'J.Lo Butt' Scam Artist Finally Arrested by the Feds

Lauri Apple · 11/18/11 06:11AM

How many American butts had to develop "hard lumps, ripples, skin discolorations, and infections" before alleged, unauthorized butt enhancer Kimberly Smedley was arrested by federal agents last month? Perhaps we'll never know. But we'll definitely sleep more soundly knowing that America's butts are being protected from her silicone-stuffed syringes.

The Boob-Slapping Beauty Shop of Bangkok

Maureen O'Connor · 09/19/11 02:59PM

At Bangkok's only government-approved body-slapping beauty shop, Khemmikka Na Songkhla will repeatedly slap a woman in boobs, butt, or face, to improve shapeliness and size. During a demonstration for the Bangkok Post, she explains that this is an "ancient art," but "ancient people didn't share it much because back then people didn't care about breast size." Consequently, "the only one who can practice this wisdom" today is Songhkla.

Synthetic Frankenfood Oil Not a Diet Miracle After All

Hamilton Nolan · 06/21/11 04:26PM

Orrin nutrition! Vitamin ratings! Blackwell jetski! Olean o-fat! Loyalty benefits! Poison competition! Bulgarian method! Supreme diabetes! And MMA workout secrets of the stars! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—from the sidelines!

Let's Just Keep This Smallpox Around, What Could Happen?

Hamilton Nolan · 05/24/11 04:41PM

Samurai workout! Kids sleeping! Plastic man-surgery! Lap teen-bands! Abortion fluctuations! Smallpox preservation! New aspirin! Disabled children! And the best sunscreens, revealed! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!

Dove Body Wash: Strong Enough to Turn a Black Woman White

Hamilton Nolan · 05/23/11 02:40PM

Dove VisibleCare body wash: "Visibly more beautiful skin." Bye-bye black skin, hello white skin! (Scrub hard!) Can this ad possibly be real? Some people think it is! We've emailed Dove's representatives for confirmation, and we'll update with their reply. If real, this could be the most (unintentionally) racist skin care product ad in... about ten months.

Pejazzling: Now You Can Vajazzle Your Penis

Max Read · 05/18/11 11:35PM

Men! The makers of vajazzle crystal designs have heard your prayers, and answered them with "Pejazzle," a line of "stick-on crystals just for men." They go above your penis, to make it prettier!

Buying Aveda Makeup Is Not the Best Way to Help Amazonian Tribes

Hamilton Nolan · 05/05/11 08:55AM

Aveda makes its money by selling expensive beauty products to touchy-feely yuppies, like you. And if there's one thing yuppies like you love, it's rationalizing your purchase of an expensive beauty product by telling yourself that it's helping some good cause, somehow. And if that good cause is kind of bullshit... eh, you still got the beauty product.

Now You Have to Worry About Your Ugly Underarms

Hamilton Nolan · 03/30/11 10:08AM

Remember to include the Unilever corporation on your Christmas card list this year, ladies: without their groundbreaking research, you wouldn't know enough to be publicly concerned about the hideousness of your armpit region.

Wal-Mart Answers Your Pleas for More Tween Makeup

Hamilton Nolan · 02/03/11 04:38PM

Is your tween daughter looking homely? Want to get her started wearing makeup as early as possible—but also want to be sure she only wears all-natural makeup? You begged for it. The Wal-Mart corporation delivered!

Scientists Unlock Secret to Male Pattern Baldness

Max Read · 01/05/11 03:40AM

A group of scientists believe they've figured out the "root cause" (ha ha) of male pattern baldness. It's witchcraft! No, actually, it's stem cells. And if you want to get rich off a "cure" for baldness, you'd better get cracking.

Beauty Sleep Is Real

Max Read · 12/15/10 12:01AM

Did you know you are actually uglier if you don't get enough sleep? Yes, "beauty sleep" is real, according to a new study by a group of researchers. Swedish researchers, so you know it's true.

Fashion's New Favorite 'Flaw': Gap Teeth

Max Read · 09/09/10 03:01AM

Do you have a gap between your two front teeth? Don't be ashamed! In fact, you should run quickly to your nearest modeling agency! That's right: Gap teeth are totally fashionable, right now.

The Perilous Lives of Women Who Wax Men's Balls

Maureen O'Connor · 08/19/10 01:10PM

Men! Even when they groom like women, they are pigs. Salon interviewed women who wax men's balls. One described a client get so turned on, she had to shoot him with a taser. Another said Christopher Hitchens is weirdly flexible.