Beach days are the best! It's nothing but taking in the sun, splashing around in the water, and digging six-foot pits in the sand. Um, huh? While I'm pretty sure most people don't spend their time at the beach digging massive trenches in the sand—what are you, digging to China?—to each his own. But if you happen to be the sort of person who enjoys this activity, please know that these holes are extremely dangerous and may collapse in on you, as 17-year-old Orange County resident Matt Mina will tell you.
Hello, Florida! How are you today? Oops! You're doing it on the beach. Erica Huerta, 21, and Steven Perry, 22, were arrested for engaging in "sexual activity for more than a half hour" on Treasure Island beach just before sunset on Monday. Yes, Steven Perry. (It's actually amazing how many Journey songs seem apropos to this story: "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'," "Girl Can't Help It," etc.)
What the world has been eagerly awaiting for so many months now: fresh photos of a shirtless Barack Obama, via the AP. Taken during his vacation to Hawaii this week, the health conscious can rest assured that he has just as little body fat as his doctors said he did. Now you'll have to hope and pray that John McCain doesn't decide to take a vacation of his own anytime soon. After the jump: more photos of Obama frolicking in the surf as well as firm evidence that the Illinois senator is both losing weight and extremely loyal to blue bathing suits.
The worst of the recession has finally hit us where we live. Forget about housing and energy and our greenbacks suddenly being equal to Canadian play-money-the worldwide reversal of fortune is depriving us of breasts! The beaches of France, long renowned for their topless bathing beauties, are being plagued by tops this summer. According to people who study such things, when women are not feeling happy about their economic and social status, they feel less inclined to expose their flesh to the viewing public.
Yes, yes, the fearsome, spineless, gooey jellyfish are coming to get us. This weekend, the Times weighs in with this dread tale about how rising "swarms" of jellyfish worldwide means the death of the ocean. I can't really argue with that, since I don't visit the rest of the world (I am told it's rather humid in parts), but then there's this piece from CBS detailing how the floaty little blobs are causing absolute hell on a certain beach closer to home. "In the waters off Long Beach, N.Y., swimmers aren't the only ones enjoying the surf: Jellyfish are showing up in droves. 'We were here a few weeks ago and there were a lot of jellyfish. We didn't even go in the water. It was horrible,' one teen told CBS News correspondent Susan Koeppen. And with thousands being stung by jellyfish this summer, lifeguards at Long Beach are armed with spray bottles filled with alcohol and water to take away the pain, says Koeppen." That's some bullshit right there.
On a personal note, I would like to address the skinny, deeply-tanned, weasel-voiced Brooklyn fuck who set up shop five feet behind me on Long Beach just off Edwards Boulevard yesterday and proceeded to yammer into his cell phone as loudly as he possibly could about the media for two hours straight yesterday. You, sir, are human waste. I know you'll read this. How do I know? Because you said things like, "I've worked as a media professional for the last ten years," and "I just did a little temp work for the Times," and, "Can I do a seminar for, like, all these editors and news executives about digital media?" You suck. You're the worst thing I've ever heard speaking. On the beach? You spout that vile nonsense on the beach?!