Connecticut Prisoners Protesting 'Unfair' Porn Ban

Lauri Apple · 10/09/11 06:09PM

Dissent is in the air in America! Even behind bars, the people are rising up against oppression. In Connecticut, prisoners have begun a letter-writing campaign to defend their right to own "pictorial depictions of sexual activity or nudity," otherwise known as Pornographic Magazines. Letters today! Hunger strikes tomorrow!

France Wages War on Ketchup

Leah Beckmann · 10/07/11 03:43PM

The ever health-conscious French have placed ketchup on the guillotine and they aren't looking back. The beloved all-American condiment has been banned from school and college cafeterias throughout France, with one very crucial exception: when it accompanies French fries.

Florida Lawmaker Wants to Repeal Dwarf-Tossing Ban

Lauri Apple · 10/06/11 05:20AM

Citing his "quest to seek and destroy unnecessary burdens on the freedom and liberties of people," a Republican state legislator has submitted a bill that would repeal Florida's 22-year-old ban on tossing little people for sport at bars. He's doing it for job creation!

Marines Ban Noisy Farts in Afghanistan

Lauri Apple · 08/23/11 10:07PM

As if being separated from their families while they defend their country and having to memorize Britney Spears lyrics weren't stressful enough, Marines serving downrange in Afghanistan can no longer fart loudly anymore. Noisy farts offend Afghans, reports the Marine Corps Times.

Restaurant Bans Children Under Six

Seth Abramovitch · 07/13/11 01:08AM

People may be having fewer children than ever before, but have you noticed that the ones they are having keep gravitating directly to you — screaming through transatlantic flights, filling their diapers on crowded subways, whipping silverware at your head during romantic meals, etc.? Well, one man has, and he's decided to do something about it. McDain's, a driving range-side eatery in Pennsylvania, has instated a new policy: No more kids under six.

Penis Preservation Prevails: Ban on Male Circumcision Will Appear on San Fran Ballot

Hamilton Nolan · 05/18/11 04:11PM

Never let it be said that the persistence of a few crazy fanatics can't change the world: a proposal to ban male circumcision (for minors, only!) has officially been placed on the ballot in San Francisco. They did it, the crazy, crazy, crazy bastards! I guess when you take a step back and see the forest for the trees from 30,000 feet, the real lesson in all this is, "If you want to be assured of the right to have a doctor cut the foreskin off your baby's penis and you live in San Francisco, push that baby out before November or else go to a different city to have the baby, or else go to some back-alley circumcisionist."