OK! Magazine Murders Jade Goody

Hamilton Nolan · 03/17/09 11:03AM

British former reality TV star and current terminal cancer patient Jade Goody is a national obsession. She will die soon. But not soon enough for OK! magazine.

Newspapers' Only Hope Is Not Looking Hopeful

Hamilton Nolan · 10/13/08 09:57AM

Newspapers are freaking out left and right. They can't hire anyone. They can barely afford to cover anything. And some of them are so paranoid they're looking to sue their own employees. Like an alcoholic dad who beats his kids and blames the god damn factory that just laid him off, newspapers' problem is that they just can't make any dang money, because the internet ate up their market. Their only real hope: increasing web revenue to make up for what they've lost in print ads. The problem: their web revenue is now stalling. The solution: Batman. Ha, no really it's just "more death":

The Problem Of Work Oversharing

Hamilton Nolan · 08/22/08 09:42AM

As I type this, I'm not in a cubicle; I'm chilling in a coffee shop of my choice. I'm wearing shorts and sneakers, not a "monkey suit" like some of you people. I could totally run outside right now and do some parkour and practice karate before coming back in to do my next post at my leisure! Isn't that awesome? Doesn't it make you jealous of the way I maintain my free, breezy lifestyle while still being an incredibly driven entrepreneur? No. It makes you want to slam my hands in a car door repeatedly until I can never type another thing. This, I'm afraid, is the point being missed by many "professionals" addicted to the internet. Job oversharing is now just as rampant as personal life oversharing. Christ, you business people are all turning into Emily Brill. We laughed at useless rich girl Brill for her dramatic(-ally blogged) declaration that "even my weekend in bedford wasn't entirely restful because i still felt ‘on duty' because i knew i'd be writing about it." Ha! But! Consider this from taser-loving, reporter-helping, cult-like-following-inspiring professional PR man Peter Shankman's long new blog post about how much he hates hearing the phrase "Why Don't You Do Some Work?":

Tucker Max's Movie Script: The Final Lowlights

Hamilton Nolan · 08/05/08 01:34PM

Do you know what time it is? Time for the final awful excerpts of hot lady-banging dude blogger Tucker Max's movie script, that's what time! In the first half of the film, we saw Tucker asserting his status as an alpha male; in the second half, he reveals his sensitive side. Below, the final three lowlights of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell-embracing the themes of multiculturalism, midget sex, and, yes, diarrhea. We hope this doesn't spoil the movie for you: 4. Tucker's Friend Is Down With Mexicans, Mane:

Boycott Wrigley If You Ever Want To Hear Real Music Again

Hamilton Nolan · 07/28/08 09:33AM

Deep down in our hearts, where we keep our darkest fears hidden, we knew this day would come: the day when you find out after the fact that a hit song is actually an advertisement. Let the tears of rage flow. Chris Brown is not the vessel of true love that you thought! When the R&B star sang "We can go anywhere, go anywhere/ But first, it's your chance, take my hand, come with me," he wasn't talking to you, girl; he was talking to your Wrigley's Doublemint gum. But the company is only revealing its sponsorship after Brown's song, "Forever," had become a top-10 hit. We don't want to appear as if we invest the music of Chris Brown with any meaning whatsoever; but now would be an appropriate time to begin boycotting Wrigley, if you would like to have the option of listening to songs that aren't sponsored by mega-corporations in the coming decade.

New Olympic Mascot A Trainwreck As Always

Hamilton Nolan · 07/23/08 09:11AM

With all the billions of dollars that pour into the Olympics, you'd think that the least the host committee could do would be to come up with a decent mascot. But no! In a classic case of overthinking something into oblivion, cities obsess over the stupid mascots for years, until they create some sort of awful mutant-by-committee. This year is no different: the WSJ reports that the Beijing mascot (five assorted weird animal-like creatures, pictured) is disliked even by the artist who created them. Throughout the 70s and 80s, mascots were fairly normal: a tiger, an eagle, a bear, a beaver, a gay dachsund. But in 1992 abstraction took over, and the whole enterprise went off the rails. After the jump, pictures of the Olympic mascots from '92 onwards. They suck:

Keep Your Laws Off Our Kools!

Hamilton Nolan · 06/05/08 10:49AM

Seven former US health secretaries have signed a letter calling on the government to ban menthol cigarettes, which have been exempted from an upcoming bill banning "flavored" cigarettes. Congress, thankfully, isn't backing them on this one. Do you know what we smoked before Kools? Beedies. They're even worse! Soon, shady Astroturf groups quietly financed by Big Tobacco will come together with unscrupulous hustlers posing as representatives of the black community to say: Hands off our bodies, government! [NYT]

You Can't Afford To Go To The Movies. Thanks, Ethanol!

Hamilton Nolan · 05/19/08 09:53AM

Going to the movies is already way too expensive. In Manhattan, two tickets, a large popcorn, and a drink will run you more than $30. And since most movies suck, it's a hefty gamble. But "the price of movie tickets is expected to skyrocket by as much as 30% this year." What? Shouldn't competition from the internet and Netflix be driving the price of tickets down? How the hell can this happen? Besides the fact that Adam Sandler ain't getting any cheaper, this cinematic economic time bomb all comes down to one thing: precious, precious corn.

Andrea Peyser Revokes Human Status Of Rappers

Hamilton Nolan · 05/14/08 08:27AM

Two things I'm noticing about cock-spying New York Post columnist of evil Andrea Peyser: first, her columns are something like 300 words long. Even Post readers could be expected to puzzle through a bit more than that. Second, she's a racist, past even an ironic point of amusement. That's not news, but it does make for some harsh reading first thing in the morning. It's hard to tell whether she's a just-showing-off Ann Coulter-style racist, or a real nitty gritty racist from birth, but either way, she gets the job done. For racism! Today, she takes a bold, racist stance on rappers, what with all their shooting guns and hurling Blackberries and who knows what else. They're not even people; they're just "things":

Add A ScarJo Album To Your Social Network!

Hamilton Nolan · 05/13/08 10:39AM

Scarlett Johansson's *ahem* long-awaited Tom Waits cover album "Anywhere I Lay My Head" is hitting stores a week from today. But in order to demonstrate to your circle of friends that you are ahead of the curve when it comes to blonde starlets and their ego-driven vanity music projects, you can check out her album now on the social network (she's "online now!"). It's more targeted than putting it out on laughably polluted Myspace, so from an online marketing perspective, it's a fair deal for ScarJo, and an even better deal for iMeem. But from the perspective of a Tom Waits fan, it's tragic. "I Don't Want To Grow Up" redone as a droning plinky synth-pop song? We're not friends any more. If all goes well technically, her playlist is embedded after the jump. Good credibility-builder for iMeem. Bad for ears:

Bad 'Moment Of Truth' Lady: "The Heart Wants What It Wants"

Hamilton Nolan · 04/04/08 12:26PM

Remember Lauren Cleri, the original terrible "Moment of Truth" contestant who sold out her husband and her marriage on live TV, only to walk away with no money at all? Well FOX has helpfully put a brand new update interview with her on YouTube. Seems she's having some relationship troubles now! Her husband is hurting. She's hurting. Everybody's hurting! But you know what? This experience has helped make her the strong woman that she is today. What hasn't gotten stronger, though: her sense of judgment, for doing this updated interview in the first place. The full video is after the jump.