It is in the face of death that we all learn what we are truly made of. If you were, for example, a pig being taken to slaughter, would you attempt to jump from the truck as it speeds down the highway, the driver salivating just at the thought of you being turned into bacon? Or would you embrace death, letting those final moments of life wash over you and calm you before your throat is slit? One brave pig dared to jump.
After years of listening to centenarians rave about the wonders of Greek yogurt and steam rooms one little (really) old lady has finally conceded that life's only true fountain of youth is bacon.
While Bill Gates was offering a small fortune for a condom that "feels good," the bro-y entrepreneurs at J & D's were busy creating a condom that tastes like bacon. What's more, the condoms feature something called "baconlube." If you have any concerns about the quality of these condoms or questions about what exactly "baconlube" is, here you go:
For all of humanity's greatness—the pyramids, the Hoover Dam, our capacity to love—human beings have proven ourselves quite capable of doing truly disgusting things, also, including waging wars, acting upon greed, and wearing those godforsaken toe shoes. In an effort to build a more just, rational, and aesthetically pleasing future, here is a list of 22 things Gawker is banning in 2013. At the stroke of midnight on December 31, be sure to either immediately stop doing the actions listed here, or, if it's an object that's being banned, a toe shoe, perhaps, incinerate it in a trash can. The civilized world thanks you!
After British reports of upcoming bacon shortages last month led people whose whole identity is defined by the fact that they enjoy bacon and even sometimes consume it in unexpected ways -like chopped into tiny pieces and inserted into a chocolate bar- to begin selling off choice plots in the family cemetery lot in exchange for packages of frozen hog hash, American agricultural economists have stepped forward to soothe us all.
I've dicked around on Twitter long enough to be able to have a composite persona of it in my head. If Twitter were a person, it would look like a hipster and it would like hipster music, but it would fucking HATE hipsters. It would be socially liberal, but it would totally respect Ron Paul for being genuine about his nutjob views. It would constantly be arguing with itself as to whether or not it liked watching "Girls." And it would come after you with a claw hammer to the face if you dared to rail against the following subjects.