As the Baby Name Critic was finishing her second Americano today, her editor informed her that her responsibilities at Gawker.com have expanded to include not just celebrity baby names, but analyses of baby-name data when necessary. Then the Baby Name Critic was sent this chart, from the Randian Costco of websites, Vox.com.
The American baby-naming crisis was already getting out of hand prior to this week, with names like Jaydien being thrown around by white trash parents who are actively trying to damage America's reputation. But now the problem is worsening. Yesterday, the people at BabyCenter—the site you go to when your child has glued his own nipples together and you need advice from parents who have experienced similar issues—unveiled their list of unusual baby names for 2012, names that were given to at least TWO children during the course of the year. The list is terrifying.
I recently came to terms with the fact that, if I ever have babies, I will probably give them ridiculous names. (Elbow Macaroni O'Connor.) This is because I lack self-determination and thus am perpetually at the mercy of pointless trends, and also because people with cool names are actually cooler than the rest of us. I am certain of this because, as a young female with a lame old lady name, I am human evidence of the inverse of this principle.
Kate Hudson and half-porcupine baby daddy Matt Bellamy (How did they make the baby? Carefully!) named their child "Bingham 'Bing' Hawn Bellamy." Best Microsoft product placement ever? "For those wondering, Bingham is my mum's maiden name and Bing Russell was Kurt's dad. Family connections all around," Matt explained. [@MattBellamy, ABCNews, image via Getty]