Fifth and Sixth Apocalypse Riders Busted in Snake-Throwing Onion Fight

Andy Cush · 12/09/14 12:10PM

It is foretold in Revelations that two men in the northern wilds of Saskatchewan, incensed over the preparation of a fast food breakfast sandwich, will procure a serpent from a jacket pocket and hurl it forcefully across the counter at an innocent employee.

Killer Asteroid Coming Relatively Soon

Hamilton Nolan · 04/23/14 09:14AM

It is not a question of if a killer asteroid will strike our planet, devastating at the very least a city, and at most the entire race. It is just a question of how soon. The current consensus: it won't be too long now.

The Southern Water Wars Are Just Beginning

Hamilton Nolan · 10/02/13 10:52AM

The future of America (and, indeed, the world) will be characterized by widespread and increasingly violent skirmishes for control of the last sources of precious, precious water. Currently, we're in phase one: the legal battles.

Detroit Beset By Wild Dogs

Hamilton Nolan · 08/21/13 08:42AM

"Detroit," the name of an area of ruins that was a vast manufacturing center in ancient times, is having a tough run. It's lost a million residents. It's gone bankrupt. But one thing Detroit can still be proud of: its roaming packs of wild dogs.

No Biggie, But Our Nuclear Missile Launch Teams Are Incompetent

Hamilton Nolan · 05/08/13 09:02AM

This is not a "thing" that should distract anyone from their daily routine— in fact, it's probably best if you don't even read this and just continue on with your day in blissful ignorance— but, since we're here, we might as well mention that the Air Force guys in charge of launching our nation's apocalyptic nuclear missile arsenal are, like, totally incompetent.

A Discussion with Nathaniel Rich on His New Book Odds Against Tomorrow

Maggie Lange · 04/12/13 11:39AM

Nathaniel Rich's second novel, Odds Against Tomorrow, traces the life of Mitchell Zukor, a young mathematician obsessed with predicting apocalyptic natural disasters. After college he finds himself working for a secretive insurance firm in New York City, where his ability to predict these cataclysms becomes his job. After his predictions are realized, Zukor is proclaimed a prophet in this new world, ravaged by natural disasters.

'Do You Want to Die Alone?' OK Cupid Asks in Email With Bizarre Obama Asteroid Cartoon

Max Read · 12/20/12 01:20PM

Many people now, at this point, have forwarded us the email they received from online dating service OK Cupid (screen-shotted) above, which was sent out with the subject "do you want to die alone?" which would probably just barely fall on the side of "cute" if it weren't accompanied by a graphic of an asteroid emblazoned with President Obama's face hitting the earth, in the process ripping to shreds what appears to be a rather large copy of the U.S. constitution. Hmm.

Your Guide to the Mayan Apocalypse, the Secret Planet Nibiru, and the End of the World, Which Is Happening Tomorrow

Max Read · 12/20/12 12:35PM

The world is ending! Thirty-three schools in Michigan are closing "in part because the Mayan calendar predicts the world will end on Friday." The New York Post is trying to help a model have sex. And yet for some reason, you're at work, instead of your bunker/place of worship/celestial energy node. But that's because you knew that Gawker would help explain to you why the world isn't ending tomorrow, and why everyone else thinks it is.

Bees Are the New Terrorists: We Must Launch a War on Bees

Hamilton Nolan · 06/28/12 08:31AM

Though our grandparents are often referred to as "The Greatest Generation," we, too, will make our mark in history as the generation that endured merciless war without end. First, the War on Drugs; then, the War on Terror; and now—everyone, please load your weapons—the War on Bees.

Sea to Swallow California

Hamilton Nolan · 06/25/12 08:50AM

California, the doomed and sun-scorched absurdity ruled by Bloods, Crips, Mickey Mouse, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, will sink into the thirsty lips of the merciless ocean by century's end, according to scientists. The time to flee is now.

America's Remaining Wealth All Stashed in Bedroom Safes

Hamilton Nolan · 05/03/12 10:45AM

The recent global economic collapse combined with the cravenness of the banking industry and the general cheez-brained of the American public have made it all but inevitable that eventually the general public would simply start hoarding their few remaining valuables in iron boxes built into their bedframes and/ or outhouses. Some in the safe industry are "reporting sales increases of as much as 40 percent from a few years ago." But what are you people keeping in there?

Preparing for Our Waterless Future

Hamilton Nolan · 03/23/12 01:10PM

Not to alarm you, at all, but in the near future our globe will be a hive of warring city-states in which armies driven mad by thirst slaughter one another over the final trickles of our parched world's last dying streams. That's what the government thinks, at least. Are you ready? You better get ready, my friends.