In the great and historic tradition of my forebears, I’d like to wrap up my illustrious career as the weekend warrior for Gawker dot com with a ranking. The subject of this list is that widely unappreciated group of odd- and even-toed mammals, those noble ruminants of the grasslands, that clade of hoofed wonders: the four-legged ungulates.*
I don’t know about you, but when I log onto Facebook, I’m hoping to see pregnancy announcements from couples I went to high school with, self-congratulatory status updates from my professional peers, and photos of the latest gator crimes and horse frauds being perpetrated in the Sunshine State. That’s why the Florida Agricultural Crimes Intelligence Unit is my new favorite page on the social network.
What we have here is some footage of a good boy such a good boy who’s my sweet little puppy boy yes you are who made his way into a Donald Trump rally in Florida over the weekend. The owner of this little pupperoo tried to make him raise his right paw and take the creepy Trump loyalty oath, but the pupperoo wasn’t having it.
This is it; we will never be capable of real romance again.
An 800-pound alligator minding his own business at a Texas shopping center was accosted, lassoed, and paraded around in bawdy finery like a common tramp in Houston this week.
It seems like every animal who gets a little hungry and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, you know what I’d love right now? I’d really just like to indulge myself with a big ol’ cheesy slice-a-pizz’!” these days must face the glare of national news cameras in his face, intruding on what could have been a quiet meal alone.
Cats are known the world over for being evil little shits. And this cat is also an evil little shit. But this cat puts his evil ways to use for the good of all living things, waging war for a thousand generations against flutists. The flute is the thing that is worse than cats, and this good cat, rather than compound his badness by playing the flute, is taking a stand. That puts him on the side of the right. Good cat.