Welcome to another edition of America's Ugliest Accent, where we as a country gather together to determine which of us in this great nation of disgusting vocal squalor has the least listenable accent. Every day this week, Round One of the Tournament, we'll be presenting two face-offs between cities. You, humble reader, will decide a victor.
Red Robin is home to the unhealthiest meal in America, according to USA Today. In a report released by the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the "Monster" double burger, "bottomless" fries and a "Monster" milkshake clocks in at 3,450 calories. Also on the list were offerings from The Cheesecake Factory, including a "Brulee French Toast," which sounds delicious, but also terrifying.
Earlier this week, Kid Rock peered at his glass dildo and nodded solemnly, his eyes welling. He knew this day would one day come, but he was blindsided nonetheless. If the young blonde in his bed saw the tear roll down his cheek, she wouldn't have known why. Kid was keeping this secret deep inside: he had been notified via a subpoena that he must present the crystal clear sex toy, gifted to him by an employee of Insane Clown Posse, as evidence in a sexual harassment trial.
Next time someone tries to tell you New York City isn't Real America, you remind them: 1 World Trade Center is 1,776 feet tall, man. Ain't that America? We love our country so much, in fact, that a new skyscraper — Earth's tallest residential building! — will top out one foot lower in patriotic deference.
As the story of the so-called "Nanny From Hell" continues to unfold, it becomes clearer and clearer that America is a nation of cringing dupes and shameless predators, and that most of the predators are also dupes. The coverage, very much including this site's own coverage, has been dedicated to the peculiar notion that the villain in the story is Diane Stretton, the so-called "nanny" who has been refusing to leave the house of her employers.
America's gun conversation, to the extent that there is one, is facile, extreme and led by monied interests on both ends. The NRA is awful and the vocal anti-gun left is little better—focused on superficial answers to a culture-wide problem. Here are some reform ideas that ought to be taken seriously.
So here are some things to know about Ames, Iowa, based on this adorable and rather ridiculous video called "Hooray for Ames!" which I swear is not a clip from Parks & Recreation. Ames has very clean water. Commutes to work are no longer than 20 minutes. There are 36 "recreation areas." The spring is mild. Did I mention the water?
Now that polio is out of control in Pakistan, the White House has finally decided to let it be known that the CIA is very sorry about using public-health efforts as cover in its secret war—thereby encouraging anti-vaccination violence—and we won't do it anymore. (Unless we're lying about that, as more misdirection.)